Gotta Love Teen Spirit

I threw my arm around him for a picture….can you tell he’s not loving it? Haha!

My son is going to be 16 years old in about a month. He’s my first born….the boy that made me a mom to begin with. I absolutely adore him and there are times when the mommy inside of me just wants to hug him and smother him with love. But he won’t have ANY of that….at all.

Any parents of teens out there that can relate? Please tell me I’m not alone. 

My teen gives me very few hugs or physical affection of any nautre. When he was young and I would go out for only a few hours and came home, I used to get a run, leap, and bound into my arms for a “welcome back.” Now I’m lucky if I get a grunt, a head nod, and a “hey, Mom.” 

I don’t know….maybe he thinks he’s too old for hugs. Or maybe he thinks he’s too cool. But, I’m pretty sure there is something biological or developmental about why teens stop hugging their moms. I want to respect his boundaries…..but man, it isn’t easy!

So what does this hug deprived mother do?? I try to look for affection from my son anywhere I can find it.

Recently, I have truly enjoyed car rides with him. He’s on a sailing team that meets about an hour away from our house. My husband usually drives one way, and I drive the other. Most of the time, I am on the afternoon pick-up end of things. When he gets in the car, he is usually full of life and energy, willing to talk openly about the highlights of his day. I let him chat away, occasionally offering opinions and always asking follow up questions. Sometimes I ask questions that I already know the answer to, just to show him my interest. My favorite part is when he asks for my input or asks me questions about things. We usually stop for a snack that he shares with me while we chat. And we enjoy singing along to songs on the radio. The car ride home goes fairly quickly. Let’s face it….it isn’t often that I get an hour alone with my teenage son! And he seems fairly enthusiastic to spend that time with me, as well. So I’ll take that as a verbal hug!

There is a lot of research out there that says kids (teens and adults, too) need physical affection everyday. They say….

4 hugs a day for survival

8 hugs a day for maintenance

And….

12 hugs a day for growth.

That seems like an awful lot!! I’m not sure either of my kids are getting that from me….or honestly even want that! So I’ve decided to interact with my kids in a way that shows hugs can come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. 

Most of the time, my “hugs” with my teen are not the traditional kind. I may tousle his hair here or there. Occasionally, we’ll give each other a knuckle bop or a high five. When we’re joking with each other, I may give an elbow nudge his way. Or I might lean on his shoulder from the side for a second or two (I can do that now that he’s taller than me!). If I’m lucky, I’ll get a side hug. But I really do truly melt when he lets me give him a real, traditional hug….even if it’s a short one!

Hugs are calming.

Hugs make us feel safe and secure.

They can improve our mood.

And reduce depression.

They can build relationships and heal.

My son is growing up….two more years and he is legally an adult. In a few short months he will be driving around town by himself! He wants his physical space from his parents and I get it! But no matter what he does….I do everything I can to let him know that I love him. 

I always make a point to say goodnight. Either I find him in the house or I’ll text him to let him know I’m going to bed. Oftentimes, he comes to find me to say goodnight in person if I do that. And when I tell my son I love him, he always says it back. Honestly, there’s nothing better than that.

I still want to hug my teenage son. And every once in a while I’ll ask for a hug and he will give it to me. Every once in a long while, I will get a spontaneous hug from him without asking, which I cherish more than most things…..

So what do I say to all my fellow teen moms out there? Keep finding ways to let your kids know you love them….sometimes the little ways add up BIG! And honestly, I won’t blame you if you sneak in a little hug or snuggle before you wake them up in the morning. After all, moms need love, too! 

Am I right?!