The other day I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for my son. The woman behind the counter looked very harried. She was moving around her space at a high rate of speed. Her eyes were wide open like she was really feeling the pressure. She asked me to wait a few moments while she finished something. Feeling her stress, I told her not to worry….that I would sit down until she was ready and to take her time.

When she was done, she called me back to the counter, thanked me for giving her time, and apologized that I had to wait. I told her there was no need to say sorry! She was busy and I understood. Then we did what friendly strangers do….we talked about the weather.

It has been really humid here lately but this day felt like things were finally drying out a bit. It was a truly gorgeous afternoon! A perfect 10 of a day! While we were discussing this, I told her that I planned to just stop everything I was doing later this afternoon so I could get out and enjoy it. Her response was, “I wish the whole world would just stop for one day so I could enjoy it, too!”

I love talking about emotions! When I ask someone how they are feeling, I really mean it…..I want to know exactly how someone is feeling and why. I am fairly good at naming my emotions, as well. This is something I have learned….none of us were born emotionally intelligent. These are skills that need to be taught, much like math and reading!

Last week, one of my students nearly stopped me in my tracks when they asked me if I have any emotions that I struggle with. I told them, “Of course I do! No one likes the unpleasant emotions….and I struggle with those like every human on this planet.”

After she left our session, I reflected a lot on the question that she asked me and the answer that I gave her in return. I began to ask myself….do I really struggle with unpleasant emotions?

Have you ever truly thought about what friendship means to you? What do you look for in a friend? What makes someone worth keeping in your inner circle?

Loyalty

Love

Understanding

Acceptance

Patience

…..more?

Friendship, like every relationship, is a two-way street. Friends care about each other, support one another, and accept each other’s differences. Friends enjoy spending time together and bring out the very best in each other. We miss friends when they are gone. And you get excited to see them when they return.

There are very few people in my life that I can remember meeting for the first time. My friend Suzi is one of them…..

The sun is shining and I’d love to go for a walk but I just don’t have time.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a night out with friends? But I feel guilty not spending tonight as a family….

I’d love a yummy, warm, flavored latte but I just don’t need to spend money on frivolous stuff right now.

Do these thoughts sound familiar? Let me explain…..

I love being a mom but it is a tough job. My entire world revolves around my kids, their schedules, and their needs. Want to go for a walk? I can’t….my kids will be home from school soon. Want to go out with friends? I can’t….my daughter has dance class and I need to pick her up after. I work from home so I’m there as soon as my kids walk in the door from school. I’m the one that drives them to and from sporting events, activities, and time with friends. I plan meals, pack lunches, and cook breakfasts. And I have very little time for the many things I used to enjoy before I had a family….

When my kids were little, they had moments where they were naughty. It is hard to imagine now because they have grown up and matured so much since then. As tweens and teens, my kids have become very thoughtful and kind. They have good manners. They know how to sit respectfully at a dinner table in a restaurant. They work hard in school. And they are good to their family and friends.

But when they were young, they were self-centered, often thinking about what they needed and wanted. Developmentally, that is what they were supposed to do! But that made it tricky to visit family and friends or go out to dinner. It was inevitable that at some point, one of them would do something rude or have a meltdown. And I would be left in a pile of my own sweat (and sometimes tears) about it all!

My daughter’s happy place is in music and dancing. She loves to sing and can often be found twirling in circles while belting out a tune. Sometimes she even gets me to turn our everyday conversation into a musical. I’ll ask her what she wants for breakfast, and she will sing to me that she wants cereal and a smoothie in a voice that sounds like it belongs in “Mary Poppins.” To go along with it, I will often sing my reply back to her. We can go on and on like that for a while! It is so uniquely my daughter and I love every minute of it. We create musicals about what to pack for trips, plan for meals, or even how the day went.

One day, I woke my daughter up for school, and she came downstairs for breakfast, looking a little down. To cheer her up, I prompted her to sing a musical with me. I asked her in a sing-songy voice, “What’s the matter, my dear?”

Unhappily playing along, she sang back to me, “School sucks.”

I’ve always had an interest in mindfulness and mental health. I don’t remember where this interest came from or too many early experiences with mindfulness beyond my yoga classes. But, I do remember the first time I meditated….

I was in a high school social studies class and we were studying Eastern Culture. Our teacher had us all lay down on the floor, close our eyes, and listen to him as he guided us through breathing and visualization. I remember when it was over, he asked how we felt and I expressed how relaxed and calm I was….the most I’ve ever felt that way all through my high school career. He responded to me with a giant grin on his face and said, “I know! Isn’t it amazing?”

I had no idea at the time how amazing meditation, mindfulness, and breathing would be for me in the future…..

It is unusual for me to write two blog posts in a week. I usually save these for the end of the week because “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” has more of a ring to it than “TGI-Sunday.” But I feel like I have more to express and am compelled to follow up on my last post, “It Doesn’t Have to be This Way.” So here goes….

As many of you may or may not know,

it happened again the next day.

For real this time.

It has been a busy week. I have been pulled in about 25 different directions, with pretty much every part of my day planned down to the minute. I was looking forward to today. It was the one day of the week where my schedule was light. I finally had time to sit and write my blog….one of my favorite things to do.

I had a relaxing morning all planned for myself. I woke up early before my family and did a nice workout as I watched the sun rise. I got everyone up, prepared breakfast, and even took a minute to watch out the window as my kids walked down the street to the bus stop. I very rarely have time to watch them when they know I’m not looking. I don’t know why I love to do that sometimes….I enjoy getting a glimpse of them in their “natural habitat.”

I poured myself a nice cup of coffee and went to take a shower before I sat down to begin my day. While I was getting ready for my shower, I heard voices downstairs. So I went to check it out.

I found a friend of mine visibly shaking on the verge of tears and my husband talking on the phone with my son (that I just watched walk to the bus stop).

What was going on?

As many of you know, I was a public school teacher for over 20 years. I have so many memories of those years…..time spent with my students and the connections I made! I have heaps of stories that will make you both laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time!

One story I am going to tell today is about one of the most memorable starts to a school year. Many public schools in New England start at the last week of August when it is hot, muggy, and humid! But this particular morning wasn’t like that. I remember because a fellow teacher friend of mine and I decided to go for an early morning jog before meeting our students for the first time. It was a slightly cool morning….one of those mornings where it was somewhat chilly to start but you knew the day would get warmer by the minute. We had an enjoyable run together, chatting the entire time, and working to burn off the nerves we felt over starting a new school year. We ran together just as the sun was rising in the sky. I’ll never forget that it was a gorgeous start to the day.

But that wasn’t the excitement of the morning. The excitement started when I got to school!

I love to go out to eat! I particularly love eating out at a new restaurant I’ve never been to before. I’ll go online and check out what the restaurant has to offer, dreaming and planning what meal I’d like to have. Knowing what I am going to eat ahead of time takes the pressure off having to peruse the menu while socializing with my friends or family. I can simply order, relax, and enjoy the food and the company! The whole restaurant experience completely entices the foodie inside of me!!

Why am I telling you this? Because I would like to use my thoughts about going out to eat and looking at the menu ahead of time as a metaphor for manifesting.

Manifesting is a mainstream buzz word of the moment. I hear people use it all the time! For example, a group of friends and I were out together the other night. One of my friends expressed her frustrations at work, described how things could be better, and shared what her dream job would look like. Another friend, listening to all of this, responded with, “You can find that dream job! Just manifest it!”

I wish it worked that way…..that would be pure magic.

I am….

Mindful

Fit

An overachiever

A hot mess

An extrovert

These are just some of the labels that I can sometimes give myself. Are they true? Maybe. Sometimes. Not really. I guess it depends….

I know I’m not the only one. I hear so many acquaintances, friends, and loved ones giving themselves labels, as well. I hear the “hot mess” one a lot. Our society likes that label. Some people even wear it as a badge! But I also hear….

I’m the worst parent.

I’m a C student.

I’m not a people-person.

I’m a rebel.

People like to label each other, too….

She’s a drama girl.

He’s emo.

They’re preppy.

They’re a smart kid.

He’s too shy.

She’s trouble.

….Parents, kids, teachers! We all do it! It seems like our world is full of labels! We place labels on things other than people, as well….food, clothing, books, movies, and more! And while sometimes these labels are meant to help us, when we get into the business of labeling ourselves and others, that can be harmful if we’re not careful.

What do we know about the people that we surround ourselves with? Our friends, our co-workers, our aquaintences that share our interests, parents of our child’s friends, even a few family members….

I bet we know their likes and dislikes. We understand their personality. We might know a bit about their cultural heritage. We know about their family. We know what they do for a job. We probably even know a secret or two about them…something that they don’t usually share with the entire world.

But do we really know them?

I lost two friends a little while ago….two gorgeous women in the prime of their lives left this world only a few months apart. The deaths of these friends left me devastated. It is hard for me to find the words to describe the feelings I had about it all….grief seems too simple.

I keep pictures of my friends near my desk so that I can see them smiling at me when I need it the most. I like to try to keep their memory alive in my brain, afraid that over time I will forget something about them….their laughs, especially.

Even to this day, I often look for little signs that my friends are still with me even though I know they’re gone. I think this is pretty common to do….I look for…..

little white feathers,

thoughts in my mind that sound like they are talking to me,

ironic incidents that I like to imagine they orchestrated for me,

dreams of time spent with them,

….anything that tells me they are still there, supporting me, laughing with (or at!) me, and being my friend. Every once in a while, something happens or I see something and it will stop me in my tracks because it will remind me of my friends. At first, it would make feel sad and I’d cry. But now I may feel sadness but it is mixed with something that makes me smile, because I feel like sometimes these things happen to remind me that they are still here, guiding me somehow. 

Some people like to call these things “signs.” I call these moments “glimmers……”

As defined by Merriam-Webster, self-worth is a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect. Self-worth involves how you act toward yourself and how you feel about yourself, especially compared to others.

I’ve had quite a few conversations about self-worth with both kids and adults in my world lately. So much so that I’ve noted things that have been said to me or even things I’ve thought about when it comes to my own self-worth and value. Some comments I’ve heard or thought are….

My social media followers are growing and I’m so proud of myself!

I only have a few friends….not as many as other people.

I’m not a star player so my role on the team isn’t that important.

I am easily replaceable at work. If I leave, I don’t think anyone will care.

I got an 89 on my history test. It's good but it isn’t an A.

I’m not making nearly as much money as last year.

I mean….I get it. I think it is part of the human experience to wonder where our place is in this world and how much we are truly valued by others. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are closely tied into how we view our worthiness and value as human beings!

It is around this time of year that I feel like a bear coming out of hibernation. I mean….humans can’t actually hibernate, but in the coldest months of the year, I am drawn toward something like it. After the holidays and into January until the first signs of spring, I want to batten down the hatches from the harsh weather outside and preserve my energy. I want to skip going out for my errands and begin to drag my heels on taking the outdoor walks that I know are good for me. And social interactions feel like an imposition. I do everything I can to resist the urge to pull my comforter over my head and hide. 

Is it such a bad thing to desire hibernation until spring? 

Hi. My name is Jenny. And I think I might be an overthinker. I’ve been told that a few times.

Or maybe I worry that I think about things too much. 

I think I’m just good at self-reflecting. 

I’m a Libra so I like to keep everything in balance and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to do that. 

I care about people and I am always thinking about others. 

I’m good at reading people and showing empathy.

I am always thinking about how I can be helpful to others.

But that doesn’t make me an overthinker, does it?

Maybe it does. I don’t know….

Is being an overthinker bad? 

Oh boy….I might have a problem.

Ever since I took my first RULER course with Marc Brackett at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, I really felt inspired to become what he calls, “an emotion scientist.” I have been tasked to work on increasing my emotion vocabulary and to really get curious about what I am feeling and why. I have worked with countless students, families, and educators about noticing the emotions they feel everyday.

It sounds like a no-brainer, but I have learned and experienced that there are emotions behind everything in life. Our feelings drive things like motivation and decisions….you name it, there’s an emotion there! Being an emotional scientist means that I try to look at my emotions as a guide towards the best responses for getting what I need.

The hardest part for most people, including myself, is recognizing that the things I tell myself and the actions that I take, those that serve me and those that don’t, usually happen because I am feeling something big. I can be so disassociated that sometimes I am too knee deep in the negative self-talk or poor choices to see that there’s several emotions swirling around inside of me..

I think most of us can say that we didn’t grow up at a time when we learned how to understand emotions. My teachers didn’t sit me down in elementary school and ask me how I was feeling. I didn’t label my feelings on a mood meter. I wasn’t taught tools to help me regulate my emotions. Sometimes I had to figure it out on my own and, many times, the “tools” I created for myself weren’t all that helpful. Othertimes, I had no idea what to do with everything that was going on inside of me. I chose actions, some helpful and some not, based on what made me feel the safest. But the craziest part for me to explain to others is that even though I teach this stuff, I still make mistakes and I am not perfect.

Let me give you an example….

I made it my mission this year to work on my health and fitness….

When I present Wellness Workshops for educators and staff, I share a slide that lists a lot of things about me. It is meant to explain a little bit of my background, my certifications, and my interests. However, one thing I intentionally list on this descriptive slide about myself is the word “imperfect.”

As much as I try to model emotion regulation and mindfulness….I am not always perfect. I have moments of ignoring my body’s signals that I am feeling something big, letting the emotional side of my brain take over, and reacting in a way that I’m not proud of.

When I share things like this about myself with others, I want to make the point that just because you have all the tools in the world to make you successful, it doesn’t mean you always use them properly. I want others to hear that mistakes happen, even to the best of us, and that is OK. It is how you learn from the mistakes that matters the most.

The story that I am writing about today happened roughly four years ago. It feels very vulnerable to share because it is not one of my finest moments. And as a teacher, a mom, and a social emotional learning coach, it is downright embarrassing.

Let me explain….

What do Taylor Swift, Grace Lin, Sheldon Cooper, and Calm Education all have in common? No….this isn’t some sort of tricky riddle! They all have to do with a crazy rabbit hole I found myself digging into the other day after a car ride with my daughter.

Let me explain….

If I am going to listen to Taylor Swift, it is usually with my daughter on our way to one of her many activities throughout the week. We listen to Taylor in the car, almost always singing along. Taylor’s songs are easy to pick up on and her words seem to appeal to everyone, at every stage of life. While the tunes are catchy and fun, I particularly enjoy the poetry behind the lyrics.

The other day, we were listening to a song called “Invisible String,” released on Taylor’s Folklore album in 2020. There’s a story in this song about someone that she fell in love with, that she may have known previously, but didn’t realize the feelings for a while. She talks about the metaphorical connection she had to this person all along….through ups and downs of other relationships. And, she mentions that there may have been an “invisible string” tying the two of them together.

This made me think about one of my favorite children’s authors, Grace Lin…..