Emotions Are My Jam

Ever since I took my first RULER course with Marc Brackett at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, I really felt inspired to become what he calls, “an emotion scientist.” I have been tasked to work on increasing my emotion vocabulary and to really get curious about what I am feeling and why. I have worked with countless students, families, and educators about noticing the emotions they feel everyday. 

It sounds like a no-brainer, but I have learned and experienced that there are emotions behind everything in life. Our feelings drive things like motivation and decisions….you name it, there’s an emotion there! Being an emotional scientist means that I try to look at my emotions as a guide towards the best responses for getting what I need. 

The hardest part for most people, including myself, is recognizing that the things I tell myself and the actions that I take, those that serve me and those that don’t, usually happen because I am feeling something big. I can be so disassociated that sometimes I am too knee deep in the negative self-talk or poor choices and it is challenging to see that there’s several emotions swirling around inside of me..

I think most of us can say that we didn’t grow up at a time when we learned how to understand emotions. My teachers didn’t sit me down in elementary school and ask me how I was feeling. I didn’t label my feelings on a mood meter. I wasn’t taught tools to help me regulate my emotions. Sometimes I had to figure it out on my own and, many times, the “tools” I created for myself weren’t all that helpful. Othertimes, I had no idea what to do with everything that was going on inside of me. I chose actions, some helpful and some not, based on what made me feel the safest. But the craziest part for me to explain to others is that even though I teach this stuff, I still make mistakes and I am not perfect. 

Let me give you an example….

I made it my mission this year to work on my health and fitness. My first step towards this was to work on losing weight, so I signed up with a company called “The Fitness Project.” I have a health coach (Hi, Jules!) and she helps with a lot of fitness related things such as meal planning, nutrient counting, and exercise. I also occasionally listen to TFP podcasts and recordings of weekly team meetings hosted by the owners, Brian and Lindsey Pickowicz.

One thing I didn’t expect was that this fitness journey would help me regulate my emotions about the food I eat and my weight. I didn’t know that I would learn more about my thoughts and their effects on my actions toward my health. In fact, until now, I wasn’t even recognizing that I had big emotions about anything related to my weight!

The first day I met with Jules, she told me a number of changes that I would be making to my habits and explained that I needed to weigh myself everyday…..that these weigh-ins would be simply one piece of data collection to show my progress. This was almost a dealbreaker for me! I really didn’t want to weigh myself everyday (no matter what she was going to call the number on the scale). Throughout the years of trying to lose weight, I grew to despise the scale. Watching it go up and down gave me a pit in my stomach.

Jules somehow convinced me to commit to recording my weight on a daily basis, but I didn’t like it. I wasn’t able to recongnize or label the emotions I was having about stepping on the scale everyday but looking back on it, I know I felt….

Dread

Regret

Disappointment

Frustration

Fear

Those are the emotions I can name at this moment, but I am sure there are more. However, despite all of these feelings, I have stepped on the scale and recorded my weight pretty much everyday throughout the last year. The good news is that the scale has shown me results! The exercise and healthy changes to the food I have been putting in my body helps! When I continued to see results, my feelings became more pleasant! Along with all of the unpleasant feelings about the act of weighing myself, I also felt….

Proud

Accomplished

Successful

Happy

Excited

Those emotions are easier to name for me. The pleasant ones usually are. For most of the last year, I have felt elated at my fitness progress! As a result, I kept up with the hard actions of regularly lifting weights and increasing my muscle tone. I also continued to record my meals everyday, monitoring my calories, protein, and fiber intake. And, I repeatedly watched the scale go down, bringing me lots of pleasant emotions about it all….

Until the end of October. 

Last Fall.

That’s when I started to notice my weight creeping up. Looking back on it, I was probably getting complacent about all the good habits I created.

I went on one family weekend away and didn’t eat mindfully. I threw all my good habits out the window. And I came home feeling guilty about it so I continued my complacent behavior. My old habits and emotions about the number on the scale came creeping back in. Once again, I was not recognizing these emotions. I wasn’t able to identify how I was feeling and I didn’t know that everytime I stepped on the scale I was feeling more and more….

Discouraged

Regretful

Irritated

Defeated

And I’ve been holding on to the results of that weekend away ever since, but I didn’t know it. I was letting my emotions about the scale continuously dictate my thoughts and actions. Sometimes, when I didn’t want to weigh myself, I avoided it and chose not to record my weight. I ate things and didn’t write them down. I overindulged without mindfully asking myself if I was full or if I even wanted to eat what was in front of me. 

My emotions about the scale changed my thoughts, which in turn changed my actions.

But then everything happened in perfect timing…..Another weekend away with family and friends was looming in the distance, weighing on me. So I reached out to Jules and she gave me excellent advice. She reminded me of all the good habits I know work for me….

Stay present and have a blast with my family and friends because that is the most important part.

Track (even if it is after the fact).

Put calories at the top of the priority list when making food choices.

Be mindful of my hunger cues.

Pick food I will enjoy and simply adjust portion sizes if I need to.

Whatever happens, it is totally fine.

I felt empowered by her text. And because of this emotion, I had positive thoughts going into the weekend, resulting in helpful and healthy choices about the food I ate. Was I a perfect angel? Of course not! I enjoyed sweets, cheese plates, cocktails, snacks, and even a Shamrock Shake from McDonalds! I ate very differently than I usually do everyday. But it was only three days. And I had a mantra in my head, courtesy of Jules….everything is going to be totally fine. And it was! 

Until the car ride home when I thought about stepping on the scale the next day. 

And that pit in my stomach started to grow.

But suddenly, perfect timing worked in my favor! At some point over the weekend, Lindsey, one of the owners of TFP, tagged me in a social media post about how to manage emotions about weight. She knew how I felt about stepping on the scale and thought this short lecture would be helpful to me. Since I was in the car for a four hour ride home, I had time to plug in and listen to the short video.

Everything she said resonated with me. She taught me exactly what I am sharing with you today….that the scale brings up big emotions for me. Those emotions affect my thoughts, which in turn can create actions….some helpful and others not so much! Since emotions are my jam, I ate up everything she said (no pun intended). She asked me to choose something to work on….my thoughts about the scalem my actions, or my emotions. 

And of course, I chose emotions.

To help regulate my emotions, Lindsey gave me a series of steps to take before stepping on the scale. I reviewed the steps and when I woke up the next morning, I felt ready. I stood in front of the scale, closed my eyes and took several belly breaths. While I did this, I used the mantra Jules gave me.

Everything is going to be totally fine. 

No matter what the scale says.

And I wasn’t lying to myself when I said this! Everything was going to be OK. I wasn’t going to be hurt. No one was going to laugh at me. My pants would still fit. My pleasant feelings about my weekend away were not going to change.

After a few minutes, I decided how I wanted to feel no matter whether the scale went up or down. I thought to myself.

No matter what the scale says, I choose to feel proud.

Again, I wasn’t lying to myself. I was proud of how I handled myself over the weekend. I was present with my friends and family and fully enjoyed every minute with them. I was mindful of my hunger cues and ate accordingly. I wrote down everything I ate, even if it was after the fact. I stayed hydrated. I was active. I followed all the healthy habits I knew were working for me! So that was it….I chose to feel proud.

And then I did it.

I stepped on the scale.

And the number was slightly lower than it was the morning I left for my weekend away. But it didn’t matter because I chose to feel proud of myself, no matter what. I went on with my day and the whole thing was simple with very little drama. In fact, I can actually say that was the most pleasant experience I have ever had weighing myself! I never thought I’d ever say that!

I know I have a long way to go with recognizing and labeling my emotions when it comes to my health and fitness. This isn’t a one-time-thing. I will continue to weigh myself everyday. I will weigh myself tomorrow and the many days after that. This new tool that I learned to manage my emotions about getting on the scale will be tested, especially when the number goes up. But I am feeling….

Empowered

Strong

Equipped

Confident

And I am going to hold onto these emotions while I can. I am well aware of the fact that feelings come and go. So I know that I will have good days and not-so-good days with this internal emotional battle I can have with myself. But this new tool for emotion regulation has me feeling curious, like a good emotion scientist will do! Instead of thinking negatively and making unhelpful choices, I am now able to ask myself….

Why do I think the scale is telling me this weight today? 

What can I do differently?

Who can I reach out to for support?

This tool feels like a safe choice to me and I wanted to share it with you in case you need it. Maybe it isn’t the scale that gives you a visceral emotional response. Maybe it is something else. Either way, taking deep breaths, telling yourself a truthful positive thought, and then deciding how you want to feel before getting curious could be helpful.

Believe it or not, I have looked forward to stepping on the scale over these last few days since I learned this new tool. It’s weird! Instead of thinking about how much I don’t want to do it, I think about how excited I am to decide how I want to feel about the number the scale reveals. My whole mindset has shifted! What a difference one simple change in my approach to challenges makes and I am forever grateful that I can add this one to my emotion regulation toolbox…..