I’m All In!

I’ve always had an interest in mindfulness and mental health. I don’t remember where this interest came from or too many early experiences with mindfulness beyond my yoga classes. But, I do remember the first time I meditated….

I was in a high school social studies class and we were studying Eastern Culture. Our teacher had us all lay down on the floor, close our eyes, and listen to him as he guided us through breathing and visualization. I remember when it was over, he asked how we felt and I expressed how relaxed and calm I was….the most I’ve ever felt that way all through my high school career. He responded to me with a giant grin on his face and said, “I know! Isn’t it amazing?”

I had no idea at the time how amazing meditation, mindfulness, and breathing would be for me in the future.

Fast forward to December of 2018. My friend and colleague, Rebecca, asked me if I wanted to join her at a workshop around mindfulness designed specifically for educators. She explained that I would learn some tools I could bring back to the classroom to help my students. We applied for the school department to fund our workshop and we were off! This professional development, called “Breathe for Change,” happened on a weekend but we didn’t mind. We were so excited to sit with like-minded educators and figure out how we could best show up and serve our students. Plus, it was a nice weekend away with a friend, so BONUS!

Rebecca and I at our first B4C weekend training.

We not only had a GREAT time together, but Rebecca and I learned a lot and met some really amazing people. In just two days, the bond between my colleague and I grew even stronger (didn’t think that was possible) and we connected on a deep level with the other educators at our workshop. While we were there, we learned about a bigger and much more intense training that we could attend in the near future that would certify us as yoga teachers, as well as give us a Social-Emotional Learning Facilitator certificate. In just the weekend alone we learned so many things that we knew our colleagues and students could benefit from, and we were very excited at the possibility of learning more!

In March of 2019, I was off to Boston to start my official “Breathe for Change” training. This time, I was with another friend and colleague, Cara. We were nervous but ready to attend this training every-other-weekend together between March and May of that year. It was going to be a lot of work! But we felt excited at the possibilities of what was to come. We couldn’t wait to gain more knowledge, learn more tools, and be ready for whatever our students needed from us. Little did we know and understand that we would work on ourselves more than anyone else….

Cara and I at our official months-long B4C training.

Breathe for Change taught me so much about myself. Throughout my training I had a chance to tap into what it was like for me as a child and see what formed who I was as an adult. I had a chance to really look at why I had such an interest in mental health and wellnesss….I was honest with myself when I verbalized that I was into it because there was a personal connection there.

Some of my “Soul Sistas” at our B4C trainings. These women became family and I’m so grateful for them!

As a child, I had a good life! My favorite and most happy family memories were at the beach and on the boat, which is probably why I continue to create those memories with my children today. I was an introspective child with a feeling of awe for the world - I always wanted to know why and learn more! I’m still that way, in fact. And just like I feel as an adult, as a child I had a need to socialize but I enjoyed a mix-in of solitude, as well. Writing was how I reflected on what was happening around me and became a huge passion of mine throughout my childhood. I enjoyed writing poetry, documenting my days in a journal, and making up stories that I wrote on stapled paper to resemble my first novels. 

And while I often lived on the yellow and green side of the Mood Meter, as a kid I felt most frustrated by injustices. I didn’t like seeing kids bully each other. I hated arguements that happened between family members and often felt angry about them, even when they had nothing to do with me! I strayed very far from kids in school that treated others with disrespect and wanted nothing to do with them, which is why I think I struggled to fit into any one particular group of friends. I often had friends everywhere I went, only allowing those that I felt were kind and fair to get close to me.

This moral compass of mine made it difficult for me because I also had a desire to please everyone around me. I didn’t want anyone to know I was upset or hurt by them. I thrived on positive reinforcement from adults in my life, especially my parents and teachers. I was the type of kid that did pretty much exactly what was expected of me, even if it wasn’t always what I wanted to do. I wasn’t super rebellious….just the normal kid/teenager stuff. I wasn’t so unruly that I risked my wellbeing or the health of others around me.  I didn’t like to rock the boat. I hated it when I upset someone else. And, I often apologized for things that I didn’t really feel sorry for, only to please the other person that may have been upset with me. If I truly showed my anger or frustration to anyone or about anything, then I wouldn’t be as perfect as I was trying to appear.

Breathe for Change helped me see that this “inner child” of mine came with me into adulthood. I started to see that my need to appear perfect was putting me in a pretty constant state of chronic stress. As an adult, I was still trying to be agreeable and often changing who I was to please others. Outside the occasional roommate or family member, I wouldn’t often let myself be truly angry in public until I had kids. It was then that my children would push my buttons hard enough that all the anger I was trying to suppress exploded….and then I would feel embarrassed or worry what others thought of me. I began to feel out of control, seeing that I wasn’t allowing myself to be ME. I didn’t even really know exactly who I was….

To get certified in teaching Yoga, we had to write and teach a class to others. This picture was taken after a few classmates and I taught our first yoga class together.

There was a day when my teachers at Breathe for Change invited me to think about what I wanted my life to be like after leaving this course….what did I want to do with my Yoga and SEL Facilitator certificates? That is where Calm Education was born….it didn’t have that name and it didn’t look exactly like it does today. But the seed for my idea was planted. And it was the most authentic thing I could ever imagine doing in my career. 

When the course was over, I was craving more authenticity. It became harder to show up at work and please my colleagues and families, knowing that what I was doing with my students wasn’t what I wanted. I needed more and so did my students. I needed nourishment and so did my own children. My inner intuitive kiddo stayed with me for a long time after I left Breathe for Change. She knew that I didn’t have to stay where I was….that I could pursue my vision of teaching kids and working with families and educators on Social-Emotional tools and practices, which we all desperately needed.

About three years after I left Breathe for Change, I decided to learn more about meditation. I learned a lot about it and was very clear on the benefits so I was ready. Within a few short weeks, I learned how to meditate on my own, twice a day. I took a course online by “Ziva Meditation” but went to meet the teacher, Emily Fletcher, in person when COVID restrictions allowed me to travel to New York City. There, I met more like-minded people that were ready to make a change within themselves, as well. My regular meditation practice finally put me in a place where I was ready to make changes to my life so I could work toward my own healing and help others heal with me. 

My meditation teacher, Emily Fletcher and I, at her old studio in New York City.

Through my meditation, the relationship I had with myself continued to change…..I found more compassion for myself and others. And, I was able to make difficult decisions about things with integrity. I started to realize that my own strength and power didn’t depend as much on what the world thought of me. 

These last 5 years since I left B4C have changed a lot for me. My interests in mindfulness and mental health brought me to learn and work on myself. My life turned in a direction where I saw a lot of suffering around me and I was ready to be part of the change I wanted to see for the world. It took me a few years to finally make the decision to leave the public school classroom and pursue the idea that I concocted in my brain at my Breathe for Change class.

I received two of these bracelets at my B4C graduation. The “Be the Change” bracelet was my gift from B4C….I chose the saying written on it. The thin bracelet with three beads on it came from my friend Christina, who gave one to both Cara and I as a “congratulations” gift for our hard work. The “inspire” bracelet I received from a student years before the training. I still wear all three of these bracelelts today as a reminder of why I do what I do.

I’ve been in this role for almost two years now and I try really hard to practice what I preach with my students, their families, and their teachers. I am, by no means, perfect….which is why I use the word practice. I am a constant work in progress, which is something I try to tell my students everytime I work with them. We are going to make mistakes along the way. But that’s why it is important to surround ourselves with our incredible support systems. I depend on my close family and friends. I exercise. I get outdoors. I find guidance in counseling. I am working on my health and my sleep patterns. 

And I breathe.

Society tells us to perform, out-perform, and compete. I feel like many people don’t see the value in breathing. Why breathe when we can spend time reading, writing, and getting better grades? We need to start seeing the connection between mindfulness and success. It is important for us to show this to our children, too.

I’m not a doctor or any sort of medical professional, but I am pretty sure that breathing is the only involuntary function of the body that we can control! And we can use our breath to intervene when we are feeling something big! Teaching this to kids at a young age can make them more resilient and not so stuck in stress…..always in a state of high alert, in a fearful mode, or in fight or flight. This is where the majority of our population is these days….

My experiences with mindfulness and mental health have taught me that emotion regulation is physical. We aren’t taught how to do this. We need to learn! With self-awareness and wisdom, I am able to catch my negative thought cycles. I am much less reactive to the world than I used to be. I sleep better. And, I feel safer.

I want the world to see that we all need guidance. We all want to be better people. We can all make mistakes, learn, continue, and shake it off. We need to understand that everything is in constant movement and that any big emotions that we feel are not definitive….they will pass with time and practice.

In my role as a Social-Emotional Learning Coach, I want to work towards building a community where everyone feels safe. My hope is that with baby steps, we can put an end to apathy, and stop taking things for granted at home, in school, and in our work. If we can work towards teaching the next generation how to go inside themselves and how to connect as human beings, maybe together we can start to learn from each other and begin to break divisions. 

And then everything really will be OK.