What Have I Done?

I’m officially an author.

Holy cow.

I published a book!

You’d think I would feel excited, proud, and happy with this accomplishment. Don’t get me wrong….there’s a HUGE part of me that feels this way. But at the moment I feel…

Doubtful,

Nervous,

Overwhelmed,

And embarrassed.

It is really raw for me to share this with you in this blog. However, I know deep down inside that if I don’t name these feelings that are creeping in right now, I’ll never tame them. Every time these emotions appear in my own narrative they will come back stronger. And I can’t have any of that.

So here I sit, on the day my book goes on sale, the week before I plan to attend a public launch event, and I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions. My brain is screaming,

What have I done?

I put my stories, my personal thoughts, and my deep feelings into black and white for anyone to buy and read.

And possibly judge.

Yikes.

I mean…this shouldn’t come as a big surprise to me. I am an avid reader. I plow through books at a rapid pace, always judging them. That’s what readers do! They immerse themselves in an author’s words and decide if the book is worthy of a recommendation to someone else. Readers judge a character’s actions and an author’s way with words. Readers become critics, for better or worse. And now I’ve opened myself up to that.

What have I done?

These stories are mine! They are my experiences. They are my point of view. And, they are a few of my life lessons. They mean something to me. But my uncertainty comes from what they might mean to my readers.

Will readers think I’m ridiculous?

Petty?

Silly?

Naive?

Ugh….

What have I done?

It makes me wonder if all authors feel this way when they publish a book. It makes me want to ask them how they move past these emotions so they can truly enjoy the accomplishment of writing a book. However, I think I already know that answer.

In the last few weeks I’ve thought about things that make me feel like I’m not a “real author.” I’ve been critical of myself, thinking about things such as how I used a local publisher, not one of the big wigs like Penguin Random House or HarperCollins. And, how I don’t have a publicist…I do all that stuff myself. No one is promoting me. 

Honestly, anyone can do what I’m doing.

I shared these thoughts one night with a few friends over beers. One friend turned and demanded of everyone at the table, “Raise your hand if you’ve ever published a book.” 

I was the only one that reluctantly raised my hand.

He looked me square in the eye and said, “See? We can all write a book, as you say, but you’re the only one here to do it. That’s quite an accomplishment.”

The point my friend made has stuck with me. Writing a book, especially a collection of my own personal stories and life lessons, takes courage. I know this and I feel it.

The other day I was reading a picture book with a student about what happens in the brain when we feel anxiety. The end of the book reminds readers, “Remember, when you feel anxiety it means that you’re about to do something really brave.” And that’s just it…

My doubtful, nervous, overwhelmed, and embarrassed feelings come from my anxiety of publishing a book. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that these feelings are totally normal for all people that create….all human beings, truthfully.

Authors, like me, are really brave to create something from their heart and put it out there for everyone to enjoy but also make judgments about. Humans do a lot of things that are brave every single day….a lot braver than I am doing right now!

And if we never did anything brave because of our feelings of anxiety, where would we be? How would we feel then?

So while I’m naming these unpleasant feelings, they actually amplify the pride I feel in what I’ve done. I’m doing something brave….something courageous….and something not everyone is willing to do.

A huge thank you to my friend for making this so clear with a simple demonstration over drinks and good company.

Do I hope you buy my book and like it? 

Do I hope you feel inspired by my words? 

Of course!

But it’s ok if it’s not your cup of tea. And it’s ok if you don’t buy it. I know perfectly well my book isn’t for everyone.

If I am really being honest, I wrote this book for myself. As I’ve said many times, writing is my way of processing all the emotions life throws at me everyday. Inspiring and pleasing my readers is icing on the cake! If my book, “Calm Inspiration” helps others see that there’s a lesson in everything and that they’re not alone in feeling big things, then BONUS! I’m happy I could do that for them.

I tell my students all the time that it is human nature to feel many different feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant, all at once. I don’t think I need to ask any fellow authors. I think what I am feeling is pretty normal. And I’m glad I got it out of my head, because now I can go enjoy the next week or so as I hear about and see people enjoying my book.

So, now when I continue to ask myself,

What have I done??

I can remind myself…

I’m pretty happy about the way my new book turned out.

I am excited to share it with others.

And most of all, I am proud of myself.

I am a real author.

I wrote a book.

…that’s what I’ve done!

Holy cow!