A Story From “That Mom”

My baby is driving a car.

This feels a little unnerving.

Over Christmas, my first born took the classroom portion of Driver’s Education. Slightly after, he passed his written permit test at our local DMV. Now he is driving my car, with me in the passenger seat, trusting that his every move will be a safe one. Phew…that’s a tough one…

Trust.

This kiddo has been watching the adults in his life drive for his entire life. One of his favorite sporting events to watch on TV is Formula One. And, his favorite movie of all time is Cars! So why wouldn’t he be a great driver right off the bat?

I mean…he’s not bad! He has run an occasional red light and one time almost got us t-boned at a stop sign. He has a little trouble judging when to hit the brake for a car that is stopped in front of us. 

But he will get there, right?

Since he got his permit, he’s put in quite a few hours of driving both day and night. His school is about 45 minutes away from our house and he offers to do that drive almost every time. With more and more practice and time behind the wheel, I’ve gotten a little more comfortable having him in the driver’s seat.

Except there was that one time….

We were on our way home from a nice weekend with friends in Vermont. My son asked if he could practice highway driving on the way home. Why not? My husband took the front seat next to him, and I sat in the back seat. This was a first for me….usually I am right up front, close to the controls. As the ride started, I began to feel a little overwhelmed.

It is unusual for me to sit in the back seat on family road adventures. I don’t recall a time that I’ve done that since I was a kid! So immediately I began to really feel a lack of control. To help manage these feelings, I did some breathing while I listened to some uplifting music. I figured the music would block out sound and I could get myself into a little zone with a few of my favorite tunes.

But that wasn’t enough for me….

At one point, the local Vermont roads were a little snowy and I started to get nervous. I feared he was going too fast. I was nervous he would start to slip and lose control of the car, sending us for a spin.  Anxiety started to set in from the back seat and I knew I needed more tools for managing my emotions about my son driving home on the highway.

I turned off the music and decided to turn on Netflix. I picked a show that could get my eyes off the road and my head distracted by a story so that I wouldn’t end up doing something that I would regret.

Whelp…that’s not exactly what happened!

For a little while, my Netflix distraction worked! I happily settled into a show, zoned out, and got my mind off my worries about my son driving on the highway. I couldn’t hear it, but I knew my husband and son were happily chatting away as they comfortably navigated the roads together. But then I saw the glow of red coming from the front window of the car and I looked up.

There was traffic up ahead as we made our way onto city roads.

The cars in front of us were stopped.

And we were barreling toward them!

From the back seat, much to my daughter’s alarm who was sitting next to me, and probably scaring the heck out of my husband, I may or may not have yelled…

“BRAKE! BRAKE!”

My son immediately hit the brake pedal, jolting us forward and stopping the car well before the lineup of cars in front of us. I don’t remember what they said but my husband and son sounded very frustrated and irritated by my little outburst.

I felt embarrassed.

I mean….things were fine. My son wasn’t actually going that fast and was anticipating the stop and start of the traffic ahead of us. Our seatbelts were on. No cars were smashed. We were alive.

I think I overreacted a bit.

Actually, I am pretty sure of it!

I slunk down into my seat and mumbled a sorry. I was happily distracted until I saw the glow of red lights. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and immediately assumed we were going to plow right through the cars in front of us. For some reason, I thought yelling a demand for braking from the back seat would actually be helpful.

It wasn’t.

And now I was “that mom.”

Even my husband was embarrassed for me.

It is hard to sit and give up all control of a piece of heavy machinery to your kid. I officially freaked everyone out in the car, and I was lucky that I didn’t scare my son into doing something unsafe! I remember my mom ducking telephone poles from the passenger seat the first time I took the wheel. And I remember how annoyed I felt by that. And now here I was, essentially doing the same thing.

Ugh.

After I calmed down a bit, I spent some time reflecting on this backseat driver incident. My son had only been driving for a few weeks at that point! I was trying really hard to not be bothered as he randomly sped up and slowed down, or wouldn’t brake or accelerate the way I would. If I really thought about it (which I did), he doesn’t do A LOT of things in life the way I would and he’s doing just fine! So at that very moment…

I decided to give up my control and trust…

Trust that he’s driving the car safely.

Trust that he will get us home in one piece.

I also started to think about how the issue wasn’t so much his driving. The issue was more of me not having control of the car. And if you know me, you know that I’m not all that crazy about not being in control. I think most parents can relate to that!

I started to reason with myself. I realized that I had two choices…….I could not let him drive and just simply drive him myself….everywhere! Or, I could make the effort to help him get better so I am comfortable riding with him and sending him out on his own to drive once he gets his license. 

Then, I realized that this is exactly what being a parent is all about…helping your child get to the point where you are comfortable giving them control that you previously only trusted in yourself.

Giving up control,

And helping them gain independence,

Means freedom for both of us!

I think there comes a time….maybe many times when we, as parents, must let go and trust that we’ve done our best. And honestly, trust that our children are doing their best, too.

So yeah…I got all of this reflection from sitting in the back seat while my son drove us home from a very relaxing weekend. What did I do for the rest of the ride? I continued to use my tools.

I breathed.

I watched a show.

And I didn’t look up until we pulled into our driveway.

We all learn from our mistakes, right? I’ve driven with my son several times since this incident and I am happy to report that I haven’t yelled, tried to take the wheel from the passenger seat, or hit the imaginary break under my right foot. Through every drive, I continue to remind myself that I honestly trust my son and I know he is a very cautious driver. 

I also know that irrationally expressing my fear is not going to help anyone. In fact, it could make things worse. So when we are in the car together, I use every tool I know for managing my own worries and anxiety - the things I teach kids and adults everyday! 

I am not the first parent that has felt this way about letting their baby drive a car for the first time. And I know this won’t be my last time…I still have one more driver in my house to train! 

However, I want my kids to feel in control. I want them to feel empowered. But most of all, I want them to be confident, especially when driving a car. To help my kids get there, it is important for me to keep in mind…

As a parent, I can do hard things!

….and so can my kids!

So I am allowing myself to let go so my son can fly. 

Well….I don’t mean truly fly…..at like 100mph down the highway!

By “fly” I mean….spread his wings, do his thing, and be successful. Which I trust is exactly what is going to happen next.