Best Friends

An old picture of Lauren and I at her house for a playdate. We loved to dress up. If you want an idea of the time in which this was taken, the blackboard says, “The Muppets Take Manhattan.” We’ve been friends for a long while….

The other day I was driving in the car with my daughter when she randomly asked, “Who’s your best friend?”

I genuinely was stumped by this question. Who is my best friend? I am lucky to say that I have a few close friends. So I thought for a second….

There’s my friend Jen. We’ve been friends since college and have seen each other through a lot of ups and downs from weddings, births, and milestones to breakups and disappointments. She lives far enough away that we don’t get to see each other often but when we do, we pick right up where we left off….which isn’t hard because we talk to each other every single day through an app called “Marco Polo.”

Then there’s my friend Lauren. We’ve known each other since the first grade! We had thousands of playdates at each other’s houses as kids and through our youth we saw each other through a lot of “firsts,” like first boyfriends, first kisses, first day of college (we were roommates there, too!), and more! The crazy part is that we were hardly in classes together during school but we still managed to maintain a close friendship even to this day!

There’s also my friends Christina and Maribeth. We worked together for well over a decade but that isn’t what truly connects us….we are bound by our crazy crack-of-dawn runs that keep us sane. Together we brave the elements to run a weekly 5K together while spilling the tea. Both of them know way too much about my inner voice and we often joke that we are each other’s walking and living diaries.

I can’t forget my friend Julie….another colleague turned friend. We’ve always made each other laugh and enjoyed each other’s company. But our real bond came when we both decided to leave the public school classroom around the same time. In the first couple of years after that monumental decision for both of us, we supported each other through all the life changes we decided to make. She has since moved a few states south but we still manage to catch up with each other weekly and sneak in visits to see each other here or there.

I also have my friend Jill…and Rebecca…Claire….and….

While I was thinking about all of this, my daughter interrupted my thoughts and repeated the question. Since I didn’t respond, she assumed I didn’t hear her and asked for a second time about my best friend. 

I responded with, “I don’t have a best friend.” She thought this was incredibly sad and openly shared this sentiment with me. I tried to explain that in my adult world, I don’t have a best friend but rather a bunch of good friends.

Friends that get me.

Friends that lift my spirits.

Friends that are there for me when I need them.

Friends that cheer me on.

Friends that will cry with me.

Friends that will support my crazy ideas!

Friends that help me survive in what can sometimes be a very overwhelming adult world!

And the good friend that I may decide to share these things with changes by the moment….by the situation. Sometimes I need Jen to listen to my frustrations with my family. Other times I need Lauren to share get me out of the house and do something fun with me. I definitely need Christina and Maribeth to keep me on my exercise routine but also talk through problems I may be facing. And I need Julie to make me laugh (sometimes over the most disgusting conversations!).

As an adult, I don’t have a ranked list of friends. In fact, over time, my list of friends has ebbed and flowed. Some friends have always been on my list of good friends. Others have come and are long gone. A few have been my “go-to” friends when I’m going through something big. But all of them, no matter where they are on my list of friends, share something in common.

They are good to me.

They check in on me.

They are kind and loving.

They are always in my corner.

They are honest with me.

They accept me for who I am.

They make me feel loved.

And that’s what friends should do, best friend or not! Sometimes I see my students and my own children spending time with and trying to impress kids that they call friends but really aren’t. I did the same thing as a kid. Maybe I was trying to fit in. Maybe I was trying to make sure I wasn’t forgotten. But it didn’t make me feel good and it weighed on me.

I explained to my daughter that giving a friend the label of “best” should be quite an honor for them. They should be able to carry on your definition of everything a good friend should be. And most importantly, they should value you as much as you value them.

I get it and I have lived it. The fragility of teenage friendships is rough! As a kid, I had friends that I thought would be by my side forever and then suddenly turned on me….deciding I wasn’t cool enough, or they liked someone else more. Navigating friendships, let alone choosing a best friend, can leave us quite vulnerable!

So while I didn’t have an answer to my daughter’s best friend question, I was able to tell her this….having a good friend, whether you call them your best friend or not, definitely makes everything else either suck less or be even more amazing!

It is important to choose your friends wisely. Don’t forget….it is an honor to be your friend. Make a list of non-negotiables when it comes to choosing your friends and stick to it. The cool thing? No friendship is an accident. Through your time here on Earth, different people will come into your life and be your friend for a reason. You will learn from them and grow. Trust me, with your real friends (best or not) by your side, you will not be forgotten and you will always fit in.

I connect with this thought by Former First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt….

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.”

That is exactly what every friend I thought of the other day when my daughter asked me about best friends has done for me. And there is nothing better than that!