Perfectly Imperfect

When I present Wellness Workshops for educators and staff, I share a slide that lists a lot of things about me. It is meant to explain a little bit of my background, my certifications, and my interests. However, one thing I intentionally write on this descriptive slide about myself is the word “imperfect.”

As much as I try to model emotion regulation and mindfulness….I am not always perfect. I have moments of ignoring my body’s signals when I am feeling something big, letting the emotional side of my brain take over, and reacting in a way that I’m not proud of. 

When I share things like this about myself with others, I want to make the point that just because we have all the tools in the world to make us successful, it doesn’t mean we always use them properly. I want others to hear that mistakes happen, even to the best of us, and that is OK.

It is how you learn from the mistakes that matters the most. 

The story that I am writing about today happened roughly four years ago. It feels very vulnerable to share because it is not one of my finest moments. And as a teacher, a mom, and a social emotional learning coach, it is downright embarrassing.

Let me explain….

I’ve had clear moments of emotional regulation failure in my adult life. One moment that I can really pinpoint comes from the time when COVID first hit. 

This was a really hard time for me. I was teaching third grade and our district decided to quickly switch to distance learning with our students. I was using Zoom for the first time and working from home, without the direct support of my colleagues that I had always been accustomed to. I was trying to manage not only my students and this new change in routine, but my family as well. I couldn’t see my extended family or friends. My house suddenly felt much smaller and there were so many unknowns about what was to come.

Thinking back on that time, I know I am not alone when I say that I was struggling to figure it all out. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening with this virus. I wasn’t used to feeling so separate and fearful of the rest of the world. Even though I tried really hard to use my positive thinking skills and look for opportunities in all of the obstacles I was facing, I had too many moments of feeling isolated, worried, anxious, exhausted and overwhelmed (to say the least).

I remember March 13, 2020 very clearly. COVID sent my school home that Friday, uncertain if we would be returning after the weekend. We had no idea that we wouldn’t go back to our classrooms at all that school year.

This was three days before my daughter’s eighth birthday. Fearing that the mall would close, my daughter and I went out the next day to get her ears pierced, the biggest gift she asked for that year. Thankfully we did, because the next day, we were told that everything was closing…..schools, restaurants, stores! You name it. We were all asked to stay home and stay safe. As a result, my daughter’s birthday party for her family and friends was cancelled. We couldn’t go out to dinner to celebrate. We had to celebrate in our own way, at home, with the four of us.

My daughter enjoyed her birthday that year despite the fact that it was hard for her to understand why she couldn’t be with everyone that loved her. Family and friends brought her gifts, leaving them on our doorstep and waving from the window. We were able to order takeout from her favorite restaurant and we had cake. We celebrated and did our best. But I felt for my daughter….for both of our kids. At times this uncertainty was too much to bear!

As the months of isolation went on, our neighbors eventually figured out how to make the best of celebrating birthdays and other special occasions. I started to find joy in the creative ways that people were giving love to each other, despite the disconnection and isolation. The most common way that my community celebrated birthdays for kids was with something I call “drive-bys.” 

Families bought giant signs and balloons to decorate the front of their houses and lawns. They made arrangements for everyone they knew to drive by their house, hand out a gift from their car window, and make as much noise as possible from the confines of their cars. The birthday kid often dressed up and stood in their driveway with their families, waving as their friends and loved ones passed by.

I loved these celebrations! To see others smile was contagious. It gave my family a moment to connect with others and do something kind for someone else. I felt happy to see the community come together in a way that was socially distanced but at the same time celebratory.

I wished we had that idea for my daughter when her birthday came at the start of COVID. She missed out on that. But honestly, all kids were missing out on a lot of regular life things and it was taking a toll on them. I saw that with my own children. And it left me worried about all the kids I knew…..my students, our neighbors, and my family. 

My roles as a teacher and parent of young kids made me feel very protective of children during that time. COVID was hard for adults to understand, let alone children. I felt like it was important that we do these drive-by birthday parties for our kids, despite the raucous it briefly caused in the neighborhood and the traffic jams that were created as a result on the streets. Besides, there was nothing else to do! We needed to find bits of joy in any way that we could find!

But then there was that one day….I don’t know what happened to me. All I know is that my emotions got the best of me and I didn’t handle myself in a way that makes me feel proud. 

A friend of mine arranged a birthday drive-by party for her daughter. Everyone that was invited planned to meet at a nearby parking lot of a local store. Once we all met together, the plan was to drive down the street to her house and honk our horns really loudly as we drove by the birthday girl. My kids were excited to blast “Birthday” by The Beatles from my car’s speakers as we passed through the line of cars. It was fun to see everyone’s excitement as they arrived at the arranged meeting place.

The mood changed when suddenly the store owner came out to the parking lot. She curtly asked us all to move because we were taking away parking spots for her customers that were coming to pick up items from her store. She didn’t want to hear that we would only be there a short while and were just about ready to be on our way. She didn’t care that we were gathering to brighten the day of one of our neighborhood kids. Her tone was rude, short, and combative. It soured the pleasant feelings that everyone had waited all day to spread for our friend.

In the past, before this event, I had a few harsh experiences with this woman. As a result, her behavior that afternoon triggered me. My feelings instantly went from pleasant to unpleasant and I reacted to her without noticing or even taking a pause to recognize how I was feeling. It felt as if every emotion I was carrying about COVID came out in that instant. I was rude, short, and combative directly back at her. I vowed right then and there that I would never step foot in her store again. This was the last straw! 

But I didn’t stop there. My angry energy was so high that I went home and wrote a nasty review on her Google page. A few hours later, I noticed it was taken down. This just made my anger turn to fury over the fact that she wasn’t allowing honest reviews on her site. To spite her, I spent the next few days telling everyone I knew about my experience. 

She read my review and knew I was unhappy. But she retaliated in anger back at me. She called the school department, demanding that I stop talking and posting reviews about her. She threatened that if I didn’t stop lodging my complaints, she would make sure to tarnish my reputation as an educator.

After hearing this from my administration, I agreed that my retaliation wasn’t worth it. For many reasons, I still believe that this woman made a lot of mistakes with me throughout the years. I will never give her business again. And I can still feel the visceral response of my anger in my core when I think about her or even drive by her building. 

However, when I think back on it, I know I was not perfect in the situation either. I reacted to my emotions and was unkind to her. I know that responding that way didn’t serve me, her, or anyone around us.

If I could go back, I would change so many things about my reaction. I would do exactly what I teach others to do as a socal emotional learning coach and what I try to instill in my own children….

Take a pause by taking a breath. 

Notice sensations in your body. 

Try to name how you’re feeling. 

Decide how to best respond with your integrity intact.

If I did all of this that day in the parking lot, waiting for the drive-by birthday party to start, I probably would have noticed my breath and heartbeat quickening. I would have been able to label that I was feeling angry. And, I would have focused more on the joy I was trying to spread to my friend’s daughter, rather than the cranky woman standing in front of me. I would have told myself that fighting this woman wasn’t worth the time or energy. I would have gotten in my car, driven through the birthday party, and gone home to focus my energy on the people and things that matter most to me.

But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. It is so easy for me to judge my actions. To say…

I was not being a good role model for my kids.

I was being a bully, just like her.

I failed at that moment.

How could I do such a thing? 

I know better….

But I also try to teach my students to be curious rather than judgemental…..that when mistakes happen, it is an opportunity to learn. I even give my students positive thoughts to pick from every day and one of them says….

 “FAIL = First Attempt In Learning.” 

So….four years later as I write this blog post, I am finally asking myself, what happened and what can I learn from it?

What happened is that I ignored everything I know about emotional regulation. I let my emotions cloud my rational thought. But more importantly, COVID happened. It was a rough time. And it with all those emotions swirling around, it was hard for me to think about what the woman that confronted me also may be going through.

I think times like these remind me that emotional regulation isn’t something humans are born with. We need to learn these things and practice them. And sometimes we need to make mistakes to truly learn. We need to experience all the emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, in order to figure out the tools we need to regulate them. COVID tested each and every one of my tools. It gave me big opportunities to experience many different emotions at the same time. But it also allowed me to learn how to give myself grace. 

I learned that grace can give me the strength to overcome any obstacle.

To be clear, none of us are perfect. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to hurt people and be hurt by others. We are going to feel big emotions that leave us with choices on how we want to respond. That includes you, me, and cranky shop owners. This is part of being human, right?

Reflecting on this imperfect moment in my life has given me the opportunity to help me grow. I know there will be many other chances in my life to choose how I want to respond to someone that pushes my buttons. And hopefully next time, I will try my best to respond in a way that will make me feel a little more proud of myself.

And even better, I hope I will respond in a way that will also give my button pusher the gift I am giving myself right now as I share this story with you…...a simple 5-letter word I think we can all benefit from…….

Grace.