The Hard Emotions

I love talking about emotions! When I ask someone how they are feeling, I really mean it…..I want to know exactly how someone is feeling and why. I am fairly good at naming my emotions, as well. This is something I have learned….none of us were born emotionally intelligent. These are skills that need to be taught, much like math and reading!

Last week, one of my students nearly stopped me in my tracks when they asked me if I have any emotions that I struggle with. I told them, “Of course I do! No one likes the unpleasant emotions….and I struggle with those like every human on this planet.”

After she left our session, I reflected a lot on the question that she asked me and the answer that I gave her in return. I began to ask myself….do I really struggle with unpleasant emotions? And the answer I found within myself was a resounding YES! I hate unpleasant emotions so much so that I can often be found avoiding them.

I had a friend a while back tell me that they often got annoyed with me for seeing the positive side of things all the time. She was a fellow educator and on the toughest days…..the ones where a student might have such a fit that they clear the classroom, I always found something positive to say. Or, the days when it felt like a full moon, I managed to find a silver lining. Or the afternoons when we would have a really stressful staff meeting…..those were the days when I would be a cheerleader for everyone else. I’d try to say positive things in what I thought was an attempt to uplift everyone’s spirits. But what I am realizing is that it was actually an attempt to avoid the anger, frustration, sadness, and disappointment I was feeling at work. And this friend of mine saw right through my positivity. 

I don’t enjoy feeling unpleasant feelings. And I don’t like seeing anyone else have unpleasant feelings either. I use positive thinking as an avoidance of what I am really feeling. And I encourage others to see the positive side of things as a way of “fixing” how they may be feeling. And I have discovered that this is a really annoying trait! 

I noticed this the other day when my daughter was having a meltdown about something that happened at school. In my attempt to “fix” her feelings about what happened, I told her that she needed to see the bright side of things. Immediately I offered ideas and suggestions on how she could approach the situation in a different way. Her response was, “MOM! You just don’t understand!”

I think what she was trying to tell me was that I didn’t empathize with how she was feeling, I wasn’t validating how she felt about everything, and she wasn’t feeling supported. My response was actually adding to her frustration about the situation. 

For some of us, showing empathy, giving validation, and offering support is a simple task. And for others, this is something that takes a lot of work. I didn’t realize how much work I really needed in this area. And I quickly discovered that I needed to manage my struggles with difficult emotions in order to help my daughter manage her unpleasant feelings.

Nine times out of ten, if you ask me how I am feeling, I will tell you that I feel something pleasant, even if I’m not. I don’t want to share the unpleasant feelings with anyone because then I have to address the issue that I am feeling unpleasant about. 

For example, it is no secret that I have been working on my health and fitness. I set a goal for my weight loss and I am only five pounds away from reaching that goal. I have been working to lose those last five pounds since October of 2023. I have gone up and down the same 2-3 pounds and I feel extremely frustrated about it all. Did you hear that? I said I feel frustrated! That is really HUGE that I can share that with you here in black and white. By admitting that I feel frustrated, I now need to dig deeper into what is happening with me here….

I feel frustrated because the scale isn’t budging. But I also feel frustrated with myself. I feel like I have a goal and I suck at reaching it. In my frustration, I am more apt to eat something unhealthy or skip a workout. And when I do that, then I feel disappointed in myself. Hear that?? Another unpleasant feeling….disapointment.

When I get disappointed in myself, the negative self-talk sets in….

I’ll never be able to do this.

My body is just not meant to be this size/weight.

Why do I even bother spending the time/money?

I am such a failure.

And these thoughts lead me to feeling angry with myself…..the worst unpleasant feeling of them all. I hate being angry.

Positve people aren’t angry.

But I am…..I am frustrated, disappointed, and angry. And that doesn’t sit right with me. So what do I do? I ignore those feelings with thoughts that don’t always sit right with me but I feel like I need to have them so that the bad thoughts can go away….

Keep trying….you’ll get there eventually.

You look perfect the way you are.

You’ve come so far!

You can do this!

While these thoughts are good to have, say, and keep in my brain, they don’t address the issue that I am having with avoiding my negative feelings. I am not giving myself a chance to express how I am feeling. And in turn, I am not showing up for myself in an empathetic way by validating how I am feeling.

What I need to tell myself is….

You are frustrated, disappointed, and angry. And rightfully so! You’ve worked so hard and it is challenging to see your progress on the scale.

There….that’s empathy and validation right there.

But I also need to give myself support. So what can I do? What do I need? I need to work on my self-talk about my body and my fitness journey. As one of my health coaches said, “There is no time for self-deprication in reaching goals.” So I need to catch myself when I am starting to tell myself things like….

You’ll never be able to do this.

Your body is just not meant to be this size/weight.

STOP! Nope! There’s no time for that kind of thinking here.

I am worth it.

I am worth the time and effort that it will take me to reach this goal.

Those positive thoughts feel a little more authentic and supportive towards what I need to get through this hurdle.

Empathsize

Validate

Support

These are the three things I need to give myself on a regular basis so I can better show up for the people in my life that I love.

So when my daughter comes home from school upset about something that happened in her day, I need to help her name her feelings. I need to tell her that I understand how she feels. And then I need to ask her what she needs from me. Maybe she doesn’t need a list of solutions or ways to be more positive. Maybe she simply needs me to simply sit with her, listen, let her cry, give her hugs…..and just make space for her and what she is going through.

See…..when we can do this for ourselves, it is much easier to do this for others. I may be a Social Emotional Learning Coach, but I still struggle with my emotions. Being human isn’t easy - we have a lot of thoughts, judgements, and preconceived notions floating around inside of our brains. And just like the rest of the human race, I am learning too.

It is important to encourage ourselves to express thoughts and emotions without the fear of judgement.

That way, we can give the people we love space to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgement, too.

To my friend that pointed out her annoyance of my positivity, I get it! And I’m learning from what you expressed to me. And to my student that got me to reflect on the emotions I struggle with….thank you! I really needed that….and so did my daughter!