The Power of Self-Talk
I talk to myself all the time. Whether it is in my head or out loud, I am having constant conversation with myself. Sometimes I am creating a to-do list. Other times I am processing something that happened or new information I’m learning. But, on occasion…..ok well maybe more than that….the conversation in my head is riddled with judgement.
I know a few of you read a blog I wrote back in early December about how I was scammed into clicking a link, which resulted in an impersonator taking all the money from my savings and checking accounts and then charging up my credit card. Since then, I have spent countless hours on the phone with the bank trying to sort out exactly what happened and how to recover from it. I had so many conversations with myself about the whole situation, most of which judged my decision to click the link in the first place. My brain has been in a constant state of rumination, full of what if’s and why’s. I’ve thought….
You know better.
How could you be so stupid?
I don’t trust myself.
This isn’t the only time my thoughts have been bleak lately. I took about 10 days off between Christmas and New Year’s. I didn’t plan a single lesson. I didn’t post anything to advertise on social media. I totally shut off. I didn’t even write any blogs, which is why I am sitting here on Thursday afternoon, less than 24 hours before I have to post it, writing this one. Usually I have these things written a week or two before so I have a few to pick from and I don’t feel the pressure to write…..I enjoy writing and don’t want to feel stressed about it. But here I am, feeling overwhelmed at the amount of work I have to do to make up for my vacation. I’ve been thinking to myself….
It was stupid to take so much time off from work.
I’m never going to get all of this done.
I am such a hot mess this week.
It isn’t just recently that I have had these thoughts. They can happen quite often! When I don’t feel pretty or thin enough, I criticize myself. I pick apart parts of my body that don’t look like those on airbrushed models in magazines. I blame myself when my kids make mistakes. I convince myself that it is my fault when someone is upset, even when it has nothing to do with me…..I am just full of self-criticism!!
Is any of this sounding familiar? Do any of you say these things to yourself? For me right now, writing these words down and saying them out loud has put a totally different spin on them. The things I have been saying to myself lately are insulting, hurtful, and down-right rude. If my friend or famiy member was upset about a mistake they made, I wouldn’t kick them while they’re down, calling them stupid and untrustworthy. I would never let someone else call me a hot mess! I would stick up for myself in a heartbeat. So why do I talk to myself this way?
The “hot mess” comment really gets me. I hear other women using this term to describe themselves. I’ve used it plenty of times in my head and probably countless times out loud, as well. I hate when that term comes flying out of my mouth because to me, that is a really awful insult. It is used to defend the fact that I am not perfect. I find myself using the term when my house isn’t clean enough or when my outfit, hair, and makeup aren’t flawless. I’ve even found myself saying something negative with a positive twist such as, “I’m not a hot mess, I am a beautiful disaster.” Just because I put the word beautiful before disaster, it doesn’t take away the fact that I am insulting myself. Again….I wouldn’t let someone talk to a friend or family member this way. Why am I saying these things to myself?
I keep questioninng if I am the only one. But deep down inside, I know this is what humans can do sometimes. We all have an inner voice and sometimes that voice can be helpful. Othertimes, it can be critical. But this internal dialogue has a greater effect on our motivation and performance in life than we realize.
The way we talk to ourselves shapes our beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. Some people may argue that negative self talk can challenge us to try harder. However, evidence suggests that it has a detrimental impact on our psyche, increasing our levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, as well as decreasing our self-esteem, cognitive process, creativity and academic or professional performance.
Relationship coach, Lisa M. Hayes, said something that has stuck with me, because it is exactly what I believe about how we talk to children. She says….
“Be careful how you talk to yourself because YOU are listening.”
I know I am listening and sometimes I believe these thoughts and start to live by them. I don’t like that feeling one bit! But, can I stop myself from engaging in negative self-talk? I’m not sure. I do know that awareness is the first step. I need to be aware that I am doing this to myself before I can make a change.
Here are four things I plan to do to break this negative self-talk pattern. Maybe these ideas will be helpful to you, too….
Reframe My Thinking: In other words, change the language of what I am saying to myself. For example, when I ask myself how I could be so stupid when I make a mistake, I can remind myself that mistakes happen. With my bank fraud situation, I made a mistake by clicking on the link. But I was the victim. That is what scammers do….they make you feel like you can trust them so that you will make the exact mistake I made. This was not my fault! See?! I’m already on the right path by writing down my reframe about this situation!
Talk to Myself Like I’m My Best Friend: It is time for me to start talking to myself like I try to talk to everyone else….with love and care. When I don’t think I look great in an outfit or I’m starting to criticize parts of my body, I can ask myself what I would say to a friend that was feeling this way about themselves. And then maybe I can practice saying those things out loud in the mirror. Maybe I’d say, “You are beautiful just as you are” and then focus on the parts of myself I feel confident about. I might not believe these things I’m saying to myself at first but that leads me to my next idea…..
Say Positive Things About Myself Even if I Don’t Quite Believe Them Yet: My negative self talk is full of lies….I’m not stupid or ugly. But when I say it often enough, I start to believe it. The same thing goes with positive self-talk. Maybe some things I tell myself aren’t true….at first. But the more I say them and make it a habit of telling myself these things, the more I’ll start to believe it. Am I a supermodel? Will I ever be a “covergirl.” No….but that doesn’t mean that I can’t act like one. When I am going out and I get dressed up, if I look in the mirror and tell myself I am gorgeous, I will walk out of my house feeling good and people will notice that attractive, rather than negative energy.
Make It A Habit To Give Myself At Least One Positive Thought a Day: One tool I give my students is a bag full of positive sayings and encourage them to pick one when they wake up in the morning to refer to throughout the day. Some of them even write the thought down and refer back to it regularly. I think I need to start doing the same thing. This action could be exactly what I need to change what I believe about myself.
If you are relating to what I am saying here and you are also noticing that you are caught in a negative self-talk pattern, just know that you are not alone. Telling yourself mean things is a habit that isn’t serving you and can be broken.
I’m going to leave you with a little nugget of positivity to get you and I both started….we’ve got this!
