Friends Are Nature’s Way of Taking Care of Us
I would say that I am fairly outgoing and can make friends easily. I have made friends pretty much everywhere I’ve been….growing up, college, every job I’ve held, where I live…and I am grateful for each and every connection I’ve ever made! I enjoy all the moments I’ve spent with these humans. And, I particularly enjoy it when I haven’t spoken to a friend in a while, but we still manage to pick up right where we left off when we get back together again. These relationships bring me a lot of joy, excitement, and support. In their own individual ways, these friends have changed me for the better.
There is one particular friend that comes to mind when I think of this famous quote, commonly attributed to William Shakespeare:
“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
Jen is a friend from college. We met while participating on the University of Rhode Island Sailing Team, but the best times went from there. Recently we met for back-to-school shopping with our daughters and over lunch, we tried to count how many years we’ve stayed connected. I was just turning 18 when we met and now we are 46. So in the 28 years that we have been friends, there are numerous stories about the two of us that I could tell. There’s the time we created homemade peanut butter cups in Jen’s dorm coffee maker for a sailing team fundraiser. Or the adventure we took to try some local flavor at a Jaimacan restaurant in the middle of nowhere on our spring break. Trying out our fake IDs, taking vacations, break-ups, parties….some stories are definitely not appropriate to tell here on this blog. But I can tell you that no matter the moment, each story of Jen and I tells about a coming of age, from our college dorms and first jobs to our relationships, marriages, families, and all the highs and lows that life can bring.
One story I have about Jen and I relates to how I got to where I am, sitting right here right now, typing this blog post. It is a recent story…I think it was early spring of 2022. We decided to meet for brunch and a little shopping at Patriot’s Place in Foxboro, which is the perfect meeting spot halfway between us.
I was in a pretty low place. Jen could tell by taking one look at me that I was struggling. We had been talking about it and she knew that I wanted to leave my job as a public school classroom teacher. I was grieving the loss of this identity that I thought I had, but was starting to let go of. I felt torn. My heart was with my students, my colleagues, and with a profession I thought I’d have for life. But my body and my brain were thinking and feeling differently. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I was burned out and I was questioning if staying in this job was an option moving forward.
In our conversation, I expressed that although I was considering a change in career, I had absolutely no idea how I was going to make it work. I had created this idea in my head of becoming a Social-Emotional Learning Coach. I had a passion for health and well-being from the start of my career. My first “integrated unit” that I ever created during my student teaching, was on the subject of nutrition. And later, I taught health to kids in grades K-8. But those are stories for another time…
Jen knew that over the years, I had training under my belt from Responsive Classroom and RULER. Recently, I earned a certification through an organization called “Breathe for Change” to teach yoga and facilitate wellness workshops for students and teachers. I felt ready to step into this role and was lamenting that there was no such position in my district. Honestly, no position that I knew of, really existed anywhere near us!
As Jen listened and asked questions over brunch, I explained the role I felt an SEL coach fulfilled. I described this dream of mine to be proactive in helping kids with mental health and well-being. As a teacher, I knew I could give kids, teachers, and families tools for managing big emotions through reading books, making crafts and discussion. I shared that I wanted to start by tutoring students, but then eventually move into working in schools helping not just kids, but their teachers and families as well! My idea was that this could take some pressure off of the social workers and psychologists if these SEL skills were being taught proactively.
But making this change was a big leap. A lot of self-doubt poured out of me throughout our conversation. I don’t remember exactly what was said but I am sure I made statements such as:
How could I just quit a job I’ve been doing for over 20 years?
I don’t know how to run a business.
How can I take this paycut?
There aren’t any jobs out there like this!
I haven’t updated my resume in years, let alone applied for a job!
I’m old!
Who would want me?
To me, this idea of mine seemed like a crazy leap of faith. But Jen didn’t see it that way. She got really excited when I shared this idea with her. She told me she would hire me in a heartbeat for her two daughters. And she knew several of her friends that could use someone like me, as well! She asked me questions as I continued to describe my perfect job and she began to help me form even more of an idea of what I wanted for this change in my career. But the self-doubt set in so hard and started to solidify in my being. I wouldn’t let myself be hopeful like Jen was getting for me.
Jen got even more excited when I told her that I was actively looking for a job similar to what I described. I was proud that I began to put myself out there on LinkedIn and dive head first into a job search. But my search was coming up short! This dream role of mine was really hard to find. And some of the jobs that piqued my interest didn’t necessarily describe my skill set! I felt intimidated to even try to apply. Jen was firm but gentle, and loving but kind with me, as she pointed out that I don’t necessarily need to be a match for every skill listed on the job postings I found. She encouraged me to just go for it! She told me not to settle and suggested that I create the role for myself! Why not?
I just couldn’t take what she was saying to me. She made it sound so easy! The more she told me I could, the more I said, “I can’t.” I started to get flustered and teary. I heard what she was saying but I just couldn’t see what she was seeing. Jen saw my vulnerability and the rawness I felt, and eventually let up on the conversation, steering the subject in a different direction. We ended up having a great afternoon but I cried my whole way home. I felt my grief combined with excitment of the possibilities Jen saw in me. But I felt hopeless. There was no way I could do what she was suggesting.
Jen sensed that I was upset and texted me later to apologize for pushing me. She felt bad that she opened up something inside of me that needed to be ripped at the seams, but I just didn’t know it yet. I told her it was no big deal, but I didn’t realize how big of a deal it was until much later! Jen had me thinking. It took me a bit of time, but I listened to her words of encouragement. She was right. I was ready for a change. I needed a change. And, I could do it!
About 4 months after our brunch together, I was testing the waters of SEL tutoring, hosting a few clients throughout the summer. Seven months later, I had a business plan and put in the paperwork to create Calm Education, LLC. Eighteen months later, as I sit here and type, I have clients, I create SEL curriculum, I record meditations, I promote myself on social media, I write a blog, and I’m working hard to get myself back into schools, where I know I belong! I realize now that I didn’t lose my “educator” identity….I still have my purpose but I am just using it in a different way. This is something Jen saw in me all along. I just needed time to catch up after the gentle nudging that she gave me.
There is research that says that throughout our life, the number and strength of our relationships have an effect on our mental and physical well-being. Social connections have many benefits such as lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, stronger immune systems, and more trusting and cooperative relationships. In other words, surrounding ourselves with positive people can help us recover from diseases quicker and even lengthen our lives! Friends are Nature’s way of taking care of us, and we need them.
As I sit here, writing this blog post, answering client emails, planning lessons, and getting ready to teach a session, I can’t help but feel gratitude in my heart for Jen’s belief in me. While I wish I could see her more often, I know that together we make each other stronger. That is why William Shakespeare’s words resonate with me. Jen and I know each other, understand where we’ve been, accept each other, and gently, allow each other to grow. And I am forever grateful to have her in my life.
I tell you this story to give you an opportunity to reflect on your relationships. Do you embrace the people in your life that inspire, empower, and motivate you to be your best? When you finish reading this post, I invite you to take time to simply nurture the healthy relationships you have in your life with the people that make you feel good. Life gets busy, but making space for you and your friends to spend time together is the best (and easiest) form of self-care. Call them, text them, make time for them, and tell your friends how grateful you are for their presence in your life.
