White Picket Fences Around Me
Brené Brown is legendary. She is a professor, author of numerous books, and podcast host. Listening to her Ted Talks make me feel like I can take on the world. I am mesmirized by her messages of empathy, vulnerability, shame, and courage. When I think about my day-to-day balance of life and career, I often ask myself, “What would Brené say to me right now?”
Many of us are sending our children back to school. Teachers and families are fully immersed into the chaos, stress, and joy that this time of year can bring. Which is why it is time to talk about what I call our “white picket fences.” Do you know what these are? These fences do exactly what they are set up to do - create a boundary between you and the rest of the world!
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
-Brené Brown
I like to imagine the boundaries I set as white picket fences, the quintessential image of a beautiful suburban neighborhood. They aren’t stockade fences that prevent me from seeing beyond the boundary. They aren’t chain link fences that keep me in like a prisoner. They are pretty and clean looking, maybe lined with flowers and cute little shrubs. I can see over them. I can see through them. But yet, they create a boundary between me and the rest of the world. And while this may deter people from crossing into my space, it doesn’t create a feeling of unwelcome or prevent people from visiting me from the other side.
Setting boundaries protects my peace. I have spent countless hours dreaming about how I would like to spend my time. It is so easy for teachers and parents to lose hours of their lives to their jobs. But too much time spent working, grading, and planning can lead to a faster burnout and less quality of work.
I wish someone had given me the following advice about the types of white picket fences I can build around me in the early days of my career:
A WHITE PICKET FENCE AROUND TIME OUTSIDE THE OFFICE/CLASSROOM:
Many of us don’t have the luxury of leaving our work behind at the office. We often take it home, invading our family and personal time. The best way to manage this is to block out a couple of hours outside of work time to complete what needs to get done. Work your heart out during the time you’ve blocked off but then, wrap it up. Put everything back into your work bag and stick to that time frame. On the rare occasion when you have less work to do, use that time to get ahead, if needed.
Get picky about the work you are doing after work hours. Ask yourself, What will happen if this work isn’t done by tomorrow? Is that result worth giving up my personal and family time? If I don’t do this work tonight/over the weekend, will I spend my downtime worrying about it? Then, choose what work to complete and the time frame in which you’ve set, and go from there. Stay on track and be consistent but put a time limit on this work and save the rest for tomorrow.
For many years, I taught in the same town in which I lived. This was tricky! My family often called me “the mayor” because we couldn’t go anywhere without someone saying hello to me and stopping me to have a chat. This often happened at the grocery store, while I was out to dinner with my family, or even at other school events for my own children! A great boundary I learned I had to build was to never discuss school or business in public. I often ran into parents, students, co-workers, PTO members, admins, school district employees or more! At times, they wanted to stop and chat about an issue they were seeing with their child in school, a question they had about something going on in my classroom, or a concern they had over a test grade. It was always an awkward moment when I had to say, “Send me an email or give me a call on Monday. We can talk about it then. Right now I would like to spend time with my family.” This may have turned some people off, but it got my needs met, which was most important. And when they did follow up with an email, I NEVER apologized for being unable to talk to them out in public. I simply thanked them for waiting and getting in contact with me at a more appropriate time.
A WHITE PICKET FENCE AROUND TAKING BREAKS:
As a teacher and/or a parent it is so easy to get lost in all you have to do. Find time in your day for yourself and protect that time like a precious baby. Take non-negotiable and scheduled breaks for yourself throughout your day. A break will make you better able to tackle whatever comes up. There are so many ways you can schedule these breaks. For example, consciously choose to step away from your desk or out of your classroom at lunchtime. Make a plan to eat with a colleague or join others in the teacher’s room. Choose one of your planning periods a week or block a bit of time each week to spend alone. Close your classroom or office door. Listen to some music or a podcast. Put on your coat and go outside for a walk. Do whatever you need to do to take a break from the hectic nature of your work day.
Feeling sick? Stay home and rest. Need a mental health day? Take it. And make it a sick day, not a personal or vacation day. We are talking about your health, right? If you aren’t feeling yourself, you will never perform at your best. And honestly, you will just make yourself feel worse. If you are a parent and/or a teacher, chances are you are taking loving care of everyone around you. You deserve that same loving care when needed, too.
A WHITE PICKET FENCE AROUND SAYING “NO”
One of the best pieces of advice that I got from an unofficial teaching mentor was “No is a complete sentence.” It isn’t a bad word. It isn’t something to apologize for saying. It is hard and scary to use at first, but it gets easier and you will thank yourself for using it. You can say no when your principal asks you to be on a committee after school hours. You can say no to the PTO when they ask you to be a speaker at their next meeting. You can say no to students when they ask for a slime day and you’re not up for it. You can say no to a colleague or parent that asks for “just 5 minutes” when they haven’t pre-scheduled a meeting with you. Honestly, you can say no to just about anything that won’t align with how you want to use your time.
One of the reasons it is hard to build these white picket fences is because a majority of us are selfless and giving people. Especially as educators and parents, we may feel it is our duty to be nurturers, to sacrifice our time and needs for the safety and security of others. There have been times I’ve felt that I’m not good enough unless I’m giving it all I’ve got until I’ve got nothing left. There is a saying that states, “what you allow, will continue.” Knowing this, I have started to ask myself, “Do I really want to continue on this path of self-destruction? Would I want to see my loved ones do this to themselves?”
We have to speak up for our needs as human beings because no one else will do that for us. Not because we are lazy. Not because we don’t care. Although, our society may try to sell it that way. We can build a happy little white picket fence for ourselves because we recognize our worth as people, who were made not only for service to others, but to experience peace and joy in life!
Learning to create and stick to boundaries takes a lot of courage. It is a growth process that won’t happen overnight. You will cave and will have to start over. You will feel a lot of guilt in these moments. But ultimately you will gain self-confidence and be an even better person, partner, teacher, employee, and parent than you ever dreamed you could be! You will have the energy to focus on the things that matter, in your classroom, your office, your home, and in your life.
…and if it makes you feel better to be more polite, you can always say “no, thanks.”
