Looking For Glimmers
A little over a year ago and only a few months apart, two gorgeous women and friends of mine, left this world. It is hard for me to find the words to describe the feelings I have about the death of my two friends….grief doesn’t seem complex and deep enough.
I keep pictures of my friends near my desk so that I can see them smiling at me when I need it the most. I like to try to keep their memory alive in my brain, afraid that over time I will forget something about them….their laughs, especially.
Even to this day, I often look for little signs that my friends are still with me, even though I know they’re gone. I think this is pretty common to do. I look for…..
little white feathers,
thoughts in my mind that sound like they are talking to me,
ironic incidents that I like to imagine they orchestrated for me,
dreams of time spent with them,
….anything that tells me they are still there, supporting me, laughing with (or at!) me, and being my friend. Every once in a while, something happens and it will stop me in my tracks because it will remind me of my friends. At first, it would make feel sad and I’d cry. But now, while I still feel sadness, it is mixed with something that makes me smile. I feel like sometimes these things happen to remind me that my friends are always with me, guiding me somehow.
Some people like to call these things “signs.”
I call these moments “glimmers.”
They give me hope that my friends are somewhere happy and safe. And, although I feel a bit melancholy over a glimmer or two when they come my way, these moments can make me feel safe. Sometimes it feels like these glimmers come to me when I need them the most, leaving me feeling a little relieved to be reminded that everything is going to be OK.
In all honesty, we can find evidence for anything we want in this world.
The other day, my daughter woke up and admittedly felt a bit grumpy. She didn’t want to get out of bed and when she did, she stubbed her toe. Then, she couldn’t get her hair the way she wanted, leaving her late to catch the bus. She struggled to pack her things and, on her way out the door, she declared, “This day is going to suck!” When I asked her why, she listed all the horrible things that happened before her day really started and she was convinced more “bad things” were going to come throughout the day.
She was probably right! I was willing to bet that one of her teachers or friends would be cranky, leaving my daughter feeling like she may be to blame. I was also guessing she might not be able to sit near the friend of her dreams at lunchtime or she wouldn’t like the food that was served to her. And, it was possible that she would leave something she needed in her locker and couldn’t go get it while she was in class. Something was bound to happen throughout her school day that wasn’t going to go her way, leaving her feeling like she had a bad day.
But the thing is, while she looks for evidence of all the things that weren’t going her way during her day, she could possibly miss out on seeing all the things that were going right. I was willing to bet that one of her friends or teachers would help her with something, leaving her feeling grateful for the people around her. I was also guessing she might sit next to someone she enjoyed hanging out with at lunchtime or she would be excited to see that I put a few Starbursts in the front pocket of her lunchbox. And, it was possible that even though she may leave something she needed in her locker, a classmate would share what she needed with her. Something was bound to happen throughout the day that acted as a glimmer, leaving her feeling like maybe the day wasn’t so bad afterall.
It all depends on what you choose to look for, right?
Glimmers.
I remember when 9/11 happened. Like many of you, I remember exactly where I was when the towers fell. And I remember the fear…..a new fear that I never knew existed…that came over me. I had trouble sleeping because I was so worried for the state of our world. The images I saw on TV haunted me. Honestly, they still do! And then someone covering the news one night repeated a quote from Mister Rogers….something that seems to come back everytime there’s a major tragedy:
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”
In anything, whether it is a major tragedy, the death of a friend, or worry that it will be a bad day, it is possible to find evidence to confirm any thought or feeling we may have. We can find the bad people, the things that went wrong, and the people to blame. But we can also find the good people, the things that went right, and the people that are trying to help. In other words, we can find the glimmers….the things that remind us that even though whatever is happening is scary, sad, frustrating, or overwhelming in the moment….you will get through it somehow. And it will be OK…..eventually.
I had coffee with a friend the other day. It was a grim topic, but the conversation turned to my friend’s concerns about social media and human trafficking. She informed me about some scary things that I wasn’t aware of until this conversation. She said that, especially through COVID when she was isolated in her home, she read a lot about this topic and learned more than she wanted to know. It left her feeling very concerned and fearful for young children in her world. So she decided to take her fears and turn them into action. She made it her mission to walk everyday and use social media to teach and encourage her friends to help spread awareness about human trafficking. But now, a few years later, she is still feeling discouraged that this issue is still very, very real.
I felt her frustration and despair. But then I told her that there is so much information out there about this topic….I remembered seeing what she was doing on social media a few years ago, informing her friends and loved ones about the issues around human trafficking. I’ve listened to stories on NPR and have read about what our government leaders are trying to do to stop online child predators. And while it can feel that nothing is changing and the issue is still a HUGE problem, there are a lot of people like her, trying to raise awareness and make big changes. From what I understand, it is taking a lot longer than expected. Instead of focusing on what isn’t happening, I encouraged her to look for evidence that things are changing for the better.
Glimmers.
Evidence is all around us. Evidence that things are bad. Evidence that things are changing for the better. I guess it is a choice on what we want to focus on. I’m not saying we should ignore the things that we don’t want to see….that isn’t going to get us anywhere. But when those things are weighing on me so much that I can’t seem to get out of the emotional wave that feels like it is drowning me, I don’t always have a choice. Looking for glimmers is a tool that I use to help me stay afloat when the big emotional waves hit.
The hardest moments are those in which we can’t find glimmers. That happens. Something is so grim and upsetting, that it is hard to look beyond the bad, what went wrong, and the blame. These are times when I feel despair and anger, and glimmers just aren’t able to be noticed.
So what do I do? I have a choice here, too. Sometimes it is easy to fight upset with more upset….to yell, point fingers, retaliate. But does that really help? The other choice is to actually become the glimmer that people, including you, need to find. Sometimes fighting upset with glimmers of hope and change can make a real difference in shifting your feelings about a situation (and the feelings of those around you). It makes me go back to my friend with strong feelings about the issue of human trafficking. Sharing information and taking action became a glimmer that change is on the way….that there are people out there that care and want to make a change.
Here’s the thing…..there are always glimmers for us to find. We just have to have the courage to look for or to be the glimmer that we can’t seem to uncover. Glimmers can give us….
Hope.
Comfort.
Guidance.
And reminders that although it won’t be the same,
or probably not what we expected,
but everything is going to be OK
eventually……..
