What Do We Know?

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

What do we know about the people that we surround ourselves with? Our friends, our co-workers, our aquaintences that share our interests, parents of our child’s friends, even a few family members….

I bet we know their likes and dislikes. We understand their personality. We might know a bit about their cultural heritage. We know about their family. We know what they do for a job. We probably even know a secret or two about them…something that they don’t usually share with the entire world.  But do we really know them? Do we know….

about the things that weigh them down?

how they might respond to certain conflicts?

their approaches to relationships and raising a family?

what makes them feel secure?

their beliefs and attitudes about the world?

their biggest fears?

what they truly need?

their self-concept?

their traumatic experiences?

I remember learning about “The Iceberg Model” in a few of the classes and trainings that I’ve attended. This uses the iceberg as a metaphor for why people do what they do or how much we really know and understand about others. It is said that when looking at an iceberg, you can really only see about 10% of it above the surface of the water. The other 90% of the iceberg is below the surface, hidden from view.  So how are humans like icebergs?

Humans and icebergs can both float.

Both are made mostly of water.

For both people and icebergs, you can only see a little bit of them.

Most of an iceberg or a person you can’t see.

Only about 10% of what makes us who we are and shapes our behavior is floating above the surface for all to see. The other 90% of us isn’t so easily revealed but has a great influence on our behavior and decision-making….the part of the iceberg that sits below the surface.

What we know about the people we choose to surround ourselves with is really just the tip of the iceberg. In other words, sometimes what we see in people is what they want us to see or what is obvious to us. 

What parts of people are considered “above the surface?” We can learn a lot by looking at a person without spending very much time with them….their gender, age range, race, and the language they speak. But even then, some of these things that we think we can see, can’t always be understood just by looking at a person. Realistically the only things we know about someone are the things they are comfortable sharing with us and the rest of the world. 

Alternatively, it can be problematic to think we know someone based on the surface level. We can create inaccurate assumptions, stereotypes, or “othering” of people who appear different from ourselves. To avoid this, we need to dive below the surface. But to get someone to open up and trust you, it is important to display genuine curiosity, patience, an open heart…..

And compassion.

The things about others that can’t be seen above the waterline are parts of their identity that take more time to learn or may only be revealed to certain people. These things can include family structures, worries, health challenges, learning differences…..the deeper aspects of ourselves. 

And without compassionate humans, these things will never be revealed if we don’t feel safe.

At a meeting I attended this week, we were discussing this very issue. We were talking about what it means to be “trauma informed.” That as educators and those working with children and families, it is important to understand that everyone has something they “dealing with.” That if we approach everyone, understanding that they may be experiencing or have experienced some level of trauma, then we are able to work with them in a more compassionate way, with a bigger understanding for them as humans.

For example, if we are in a store and we see someone yelling at an employee….really going off the handle….we may think to ourselves, “Wow! What is wrong with that person?”

But if we look at the situation with curiosity, patience, and an open heart, at what is below the surface, we may instead think to ourselves, “Wow! What happened to that person to make them respond that way?”

There’s that compassion.

It is a very simple mindshift.

And it is exactly that change in thinking that will create understanding and genuine care for not only the people that we choose to surround ourselves with, but all humans. As Anne Frank wrote,

“No one has ever become poor by giving.”

Our world would see so much abundance if we all tried to give compassion to each other and understand that there is a lot more to each other than we can see and are willing to share with others. We could be rich with….

Love

Patience

Consideration

Tolerance

Empathy

….maybe even enlightenment!

And while we are one of billions of people, this connectedness and compassion will help us as individuals to know we are not alone. That our friends, family, and everyone in this world are simply trying to be humans together….

To be the best version of ourselves that we can be.