This is ME!

As defined by Merriam-Webster, self-worth is a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect. Self-worth involves how you act toward yourself and how you feel about yourself, especially compared to others.

I’ve had quite a few conversations about self-worth with both kids and adults in my world lately. So much so that I’ve noted things that have been said to me or even things I’ve thought about when it comes to my own self-worth and value. Some comments I’ve heard or thought are….

My social media followers are growing and I’m so proud of myself!

I only have a few friends….not as many as other people.

I’m not a star player so my role on the team isn’t that important.

I am easily replaceable at work. If I leave, I don’t think anyone will care.

I got an 89 on my history test. It's good but it isn’t an A.

I’m not making nearly as much money as I did last year.

I mean….I get it. I think it is part of the human experience to wonder where our place is in this world and how much we are truly valued by others. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are closely tied into how we view our worthiness and value as human beings! I also think it is human nature to find self-acceptance through achievement and competition with others. 

A lot of people have researched the impact that ability and effort have on our performance. I get the connection to these three things. And I also know that all three of those things….ability, effort, and performance….contribute to our feelings of worth and value. But when I listen to the thoughts of others in my life and the thoughts that go on in my own head, it makes me feel sad that we, as humans, put so much emphasis on our achievements. There is more to life that can contribute to our sense of self-worth than competing and “winning” against others.

I live in an affluent and highly competitive community. Our children’s grades, the sports they play, the clubs they are part of, the cars we drive, what our houses look like, where we went to college…..it all greatly matters and it is something that many of us are well aware of! In fact, our local school department tries to combat the competitive nature of academics by not ranking students by their GPA and not celebrating valedictorians or salutatorians at high school graduation. Yet, kids as young as middle school (where their grades just begin to switch to averages from rubric scores), pay attention to their grade point average, wondering if what they are achieving is “good enough” and comparing their grades to others and ranking themselves in their minds. 

The neighborhoods in our town are even ranked based on real estate value….the cost and size of houses, the proximity to the water, and the average income of the families living there. The neighborhoods and the town, compared to others in the state, also rank their schools. In turn this sometimes both helps and hurts the real estate market. Our town prides itself on being #1 academically in the state. As a result, our housing costs are high (eventhough they are high everywhere at the moment)! Where our kids go to college, especially compared to other towns and neighborhoods, matters! And eventhough our school system tries to combat it, we are all well aware that our students’ grades and test scores matter, too.

The town I live in pretty much determines its self-worth based on school rankings, test scores, housing prices, income, business offerings….everything that determines value as far as effort, abilities, and performance go. But all of this is human nature right?

The number on the scale.

The size of our clothes.

The brand of clothes we wear.

Our income.

The location of our home.

The car we drive.

The people we associate with.

What we do for a career.

The sport we play.

The college we attend.

Our amount of social media followers.

Do these things really make me more or less worthy? These thoughts swim in my mind all the time….This makes me go back to that dictionary definition of what self-worth really is….feeling like I am a good person that deserves respect.

Whether I wear expensive, affordable, or repurposed clothes…..

Whether I am a teacher, a lawyer, or I work at a superstore…..

Whether I have 20 followers or 20,000 followers on social media….

Whether I am young or old…..

How much money I make…..

Whether I am married, divorced, or single…..

Whether I wear black or bright colors….

Whether I choose to go to college……

In other words. the things that make me feel happy (even if they aren’t widely accepted or are “sophisticated” enough)......these things shouldn’t determine how much respect I deserve or how much respect I give myself. The point is, we are all human! Humans want and deserve to be respected and accepted!

Here is where we get to the heart of the matter - as humans, we are the only ones that determine our SELF-worth. That is why the word “self” is in there. Even if we don’t believe we are worthy and valuable (or that someone else is)….guess what?! We are! It is important to switch the narrative we say out loud and in our heads about our worthiness and the worthiness of others. 

Writing my thoughts about this reminds me of a time in my teaching career when I would get very worked up about teacher evaluations. Every few years, I needed to participate in an evaluation cycle where my principal would observe a few lessons and rate my performance based on a rubric. I also set math and reading goals for my students and used measurable data to determine whether my students met, didn’t meet, or exceeded the goals I set for them. I would do the same for myself by setting “professional growth goals.“ Plus, I rated myself and my principal rated me on professional responsibilities set out by the state. All of those items would combine to create a score to determine whether I was highly effective, effective, developing, or ineffective as an educator.

Every year that I participated, I scored as an effective teacher".

And that wasn’t good enough for me. 

I was often left feeling frustrated, sad, and disappointed that I wasn’t ranked “highly effective.” Some of my colleagues were rated that way and I felt like I was just as good as them at teaching. I couldn’t wrap my head around it and I always felt that I was never going to be “good enough.”

Stop and think about that for a second…..

I was ranked effective! Darn straight I was an effective public school teacher!

My students loved me and I saw them grow as humans and learners every single year! I got amazing feedback from parents. Countless kids told me that I was their “favorite teacher” (and still do!). I thrived in front of a classroom full of kids. I love to teach! 

And that is more than enough for me. 

See how I flipped that narrative right there?

As an educator, I have a variety of abilities and talents. As a public school teacher, I got a wide range of results from my efforts depending on the class that was sitting in front of me. But no matter what the teacher evaluation tool told me, I understood that the score I was given was how I performed and how my students performed which is something I can’t really control! It wasn’t a measure to determine who I am or how good of a teacher I am. It didn’t matter that I didn’t win any educator awards or get a “highly effective” rating on my evaluation. 

I know that I am a good person.
I know that I was a good public school teacher that greatly cared for and loved my students.

And I know that, no matter what, I know I deserve respect….from myself and others.

It took me a while to see this and really feel it. But it is so important that we model this for our young people and help them understand and accept their own self-worth. We need to reinforce their value as BEING a human. Isn’t that why we are called human “beings” rather than human “doings?”

If we show the young people in our lives that we love and appreciate them for exactly who they are, they will learn that it’s ok to love themselves for exactly who they are, too. Kids don’t need to achieve anything to earn our love and respect.

As for ourselves as adults? That’s a bit trickier….how do we increase our own self-worth? Modeling this for our kids is so important! I guess I need to constantly remind myself that my self-worth isn’t determined by material things…..that includes social media, the way I look, my job title, my income, or my score on an evaluation. It is so easy to get caught up in that stuff, especially living in a time where these things are valued by society in general. I truly need to make efforts to take steps back and think about what really matters in determining my own worth (and the worth of others around me!). 

I also need to work on that critical inner voice. I need to identify it, challenge it, and continue to externalize it so that I can manage the nitpicking and flaw counting that my inner voice likes to do sometimes. If I let her win too often, she will begin to think she is right, and I don’t have time for that!!

A good friend of mine used to remind me to think about what I would like written on my headstone when I die. I know that sounds morbid, but she was right! 

Do I want my headstone to read….

She scored as “highly effective” on her teacher evaluations and drove a nice car. She was very fashionable with a trim waist and designer shoes.

Or would I rather people remember me as….

She was a kind and loving wife, daughter, mother, and friend. She was thoughtful, empathetic, and a good listener.

What would you guess is most valuable to measuring my self-worth? I think you know the answer…..

I know my friend’s reminder is a little dark….to think about what I want others to say about me when I leave this world. But I think what she was trying to tell me is exactly what was said by Ernest T. Cambell back in the 1970s (Fun Fact: some think it was Mark Twain that said this, but this has been contested….):

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

…..a good reminder that feeling worthy and valuable has absolutely nothing to do with effort, achievement and the competitive nature of human beings. 

It is simply that I am ME and that is always going to be enough.