Name It To Tame It

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Maybe “down” isn’t the right word to describe how I’m feeling. I have a mixture of different emotions going on right now.

Maybe I’m a little worried.

I might be a tiny bit sad.

I could be slightly overwhelmed.

…or deflated, uneasy, and spent.

Wow…that’s a lot of unpleasant emotions happening all at once! But that’s not all that I’m feeling. I have a few pleasant emotions swirling around, too.

I’m definitely content.

I might be a little proud.

I am fully feeling grateful.

….or focused, secure, and satisfied.

You’re probably wondering how I can feel all that at the same time! Well…I believe it is called “the human experience.” And in order to fully feel and be present in our lives, we have to acknowledge and move through it all. 

We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.

-Brené Brown

Thanks, Brené, but I think this is a lot easier said than done. Would you agree? It is so much easier for me to focus on the pleasant emotions and push those unpleasant ones way down deep. 

Notice I use the language “pleasant and unpleasant,” rather than “positive and negative” when talking about emotions. I try really hard to follow Marc Brackett’s thinking. When attending a RULER training at the Yale Center For Emotional Intelligence a few years ago, Marc expressed this exact sentiment. He taught me that there is nothing wrong with feeling unpleasant feelings and nothing right about feeling pleasant ones. Emotions are simply data to tell us what might be going on with us right now. And if we listen to the emotions swirling around inside of us, both pleasant and unpleasant, we can decide how we want to manage those feelings.

So let’s go back to my ease in pushing unpleasant emotions way down deep. From my experience, I’ve discovered that it only works for a short amount of time before things explode. For example, nothing drives me more crazy than frustration over shoes in my house. How is it possible that four people have two hundred and fifty two pairs of shoes, all sitting at the front door, ready to put on our feet as we’re walking out?

Everyday, I walk into my house, usually with arms full, and trip over the shoes in the doorway into my home. I feel frustrated by the fact that these shoes greet me and trip me almost everyday. Often, I drop my things on the counter and go back to the shoes, organizing them into a place where no one will trip on them and making things look a little neater at the entrance to our home. 

Guaranteed, about 20 minutes later, the shoes are strewn around the front door again. My frustration mounts when it continues to happen, several times a day, almost everyday. And as that frustration grows, so does my anger until the final time when I walk in the door and trip on a pair of shoes. I scream and yell my head off at the first family member I see. Suddenly everyone comes running to fix the shoes, apologizing, and walking on eggshells for me. Until the next day, when the shoes are back there again, ready for me to trip and fall on at any moment.

These are not my finest minutes. I’m not proud of myself when I walk in the door like that, seeing my kids with a panic stricken look on their face as I yell at them. If I could give myself a do-over in these moments, I would go back to the first time I walked in the house, tripping over the thousands of shoes in the doorway. I would put my things down and take a breath. I would notice that I am feeling frustrated and name those feelings in my mind. I would take a few minutes to unpack my belongings before reacting to this situation. I would also notice that I was feeling excited to come home and begin my time with my family, recognizing pleasant and unpleasant feelings existing together, at the same time. 

As to not ruin the excitement that I was feeling when I walked in the door, I would find my family and gather them together. As calmly as possible, I would share that I often walk in the door with an arm full of belongings, tripping over the shoes. I would express that this makes me feel frustrated and I would ask them for help in cleaning and organizing the shoes, being more mindful of where the shoes are placed when they come home. I may also ask them to take some shoes that they don’t wear regularly and put them away in the closet.

I know perfectly well, if I acknowledge my unpleasant feelings and decide the best way to express those feelings, it will not ruin the pleasant feelings that I also have swirling around inside me. When I suppressed my frustration and allowed it to bubble up over time, exploding with anger, I robbed myself of enjoying the evening with my family that I was looking forward to and feeling excited about.

This seems very simple, doesn’t it? But this gets harder when the emotions are even more raw than frustration over shoes in the doorway. The death of a loved one, receiving devastating news about your health, losing your job…any part of the human experience that may bring you pain, can make it hard to allow ourselves to feel. We often turn to other things to help dull the feelings that we have. Some turn to alcohol or drugs. Others may turn to shopping, gambling, or scrolling on their phone. We think that these things will help us feel better. But there’s a problem that lies in this kind of thinking.

This implies that better = good.

…that feeling better, will make you feel “good.”

But feeling “good” will only be temporary.

What if we thought about healing instead of feeling “better.” When we feel better after a cold or the flu, aren’t we healed? In order to heal, in order to feel the full spectrum of emotion, we must allow ourselves to feel the unpleasant feelings so we don’t rob ourselves of the things that heal us in our lives, too.

I invite you to think about what medicine you can find around you that helps you heal? And I don’t mean a pill.

Is it nature? Do you feel calm and balanced when you sit by the ocean or take a walk through the trees? 

Sometimes sitting in quiet and stillness can bring healing. Maybe reading a book, meditating, or snuggling up with a pet can be just the medicine you need.

For some, spending time with friends and loved ones can be healing. Processing the emotions with your support system, by having others hear you, laugh with you, and cry along with you, can be very soothing.

Research says that labelling an emotion, especially our unpleasant ones, can help us create distance between ourselves and our experience, allowing us to choose how to respond to challenges. In fact, research at UCLA calls verbal labeling of emotions as “affect labeling.” These researchers have brain scan data to show that practicing affect labeling appears to decrease activity in the brain’s emotional centers, including the amygdala, allowing the brain’s frontal lobe (the center for reasoning and thinking) to have a greater sway over solving problems at hand.

So, what’s the bottom line? I’m giving myself (and you!) permission to feel all the feels. There’s nothing bad about feeling worried, sad, overwhelmed, or frustrated. I don’t need to ignore or judge those feelings because without them, I won’t feel all those pleasant feelings I have, too! I enjoy feeling content, proud, grateful, and secure. Without my pleasant emotions, there would be no healing. And who wants to live in a world like that?