Overthinkers Anonymous

Hi. My name is Jenny. And I think I might be an overthinker. I’ve been told that a few times.

Or maybe I worry that I think about things too much. 

I think I’m just good at self-reflecting. 

I’m a Libra so I like to keep everything in balance and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to do that. 

I care about people and I am always thinking about others. 

I’m good at reading people and showing empathy.

I am always thinking about how I can be helpful to others.

But that doesn’t make me an overthinker, does it?

Maybe it does. I don’t know….

Is being an overthinker bad? 

Oh boy….I might have a problem.

The other day, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. It was good to see her and give her a hug. But when I looked at her, I saw something in her eyes and heard her take a big, deep sigh. And I said something out loud that I was thinking….

  “You look tired.” 

Don’t get me wrong. My friend is drop-dead gorgeous. Even on her most tired days, she remains beautiful. But I got the feeling that I insulted her with my words. And I went home trying to figure out how I could tell her that I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. 

So I texted her and told her exactly what I just told you. I wanted her to know that it was good to see her and that I wish I had been more thoughtful in the first few things I said to her. 

Sensing that I was a little worried about insulting her, she addressed me as her “fellow overthinker” and pretty much told me there was no need to apologize. She wasn’t hurt by my words. This wasn’t the first time I’ve been told I overthink things. In fact, I know I can do this sometimes.

And then….you guessed it….I started to overthink that!

And if you know anything about me, when I am overthinking, I tend to do some research about different topics that come up for me from time to time. So I dove into some reading about what overthinking is and what to do about it. My friend told me I wasn’t the only one….that I have fellow overthinkers out there! Perhaps a few of them are reading this right now!

Here’s what I learned….

According to Forbes Health, research suggests that 73% of 25 to 35-year-olds chronically overthink, along with 52% of people ages 45 to 55.

Yup….that’s me!

And there is some evidence out there that suggests that women are more likely to be overthinkers than men.

Huh….whelp! That’s me again.

But honestly, after all my research, I learned that no matter your age or the gender in which you identify, everyone overthinks sometimes. I learned that overthinking comes in two forms; ruminating about the past and worrying about the future.

Don’t confuse this with problem-solving. When someone problem-solves, they think about a solution. 

Don’t confuse overthinking with self-reflection, either. Healthy self-reflection is learning new things about oneself or gaining a new perspective about a situation. Self-reflection serves a purpose.

In contrast, overthinking is simply dwelling on a problem, noticing how bad we feel and thinking about all the things we have no control over. Overthinking about a problem doesn’t help develop new insight.

Through my reserach I came to a real “ah-ha” moment about problem-solving, self-reflection, and overthinking….it isn’t about the time we spend in our thoughts. When we spend time thinking about creative solutions or learning from our behavior, it is productive.

But time spent overthinking, no matter how much or how little, isn’t life enhancing.

The challenging thing about overthinking is that our brains can trick us into believing that worrying and ruminating is somehow helpful. Sometimes overthinking can lead us to believe that it can prevent something bad from happening and if we don’t worry enough or rehash the past enough, then somehow, we will encounter more problems.

But the research is pretty clear…..overthinking is not healthy and will not prevent or solve problems. There are links to overthinking and other mental health problems like depression and anxiety. It is likely that overthinking causes mental health decline. And the more our mental health declines, the more we overthink. It can be a vicious downward spiral that is hard for us to recognize when we are caught in the middle of it.

This pause to do my reserach helped me to transition my brain to be sure that my thoughts were more on the helpful self-reflecting and problem-solving side . My friend’s call out of my behavior got me to notice that I was….

Reliving an embarrassing moment in my head repeatedly.

Spending time thinking about the hidden meaning in our interaction.

Rehashing the conversation I had with my friend and thinking about all the things I wished I had or hadn’t said.

Constantly reliving my mistake.

Replaying the interaction in my mind.

And all of this background noise going on inside of my head was me allowing my brain to go into overthink mode. The first step I needed to take was noticing and recognizing that my thoughts were starting to get carried away.

The second step I took was to pick a tool or two that could help me make a change in my behavior and reclaim my time, energy, and brain power. Which is where this blog comes in….it is a “mind dump” of sorts. Right now, I am using a tool that I know well! When I ruminate and worry, I get it all out of my head by writing my thoughts down on paper. This tool drains my brain of all the thoughts that aren’t serving me.

But before writing all of this down, I realized I needed to get out of my head and into my body. This is another tool for managing the thoughts in my mind that don’t serve me. I simply stop what I am doing and notice my breathing. It is something I do many times before meditating and it is a subtle shift. I feel the air going in and out of my nose. I feel my body in the chair or my feet on the ground. Sometimes I connect with my body by dancing around to music or even doing some exercise. It all depends on what I have time for and what kind of connection to myself I feel like I need.

And if I really crave it and have the time for it, I get outside. One study done by the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America shows that taking time in a nature-filled enivronment can decrease one’s inclination toward rumination. Maybe it is the lack of noise and distractions out there in nature that does it for me. Or maybe it is the fact being in nature allows me to focus on something larger than me. But whatever the reason, I know that time in the fresh air helps me to shift my brain.

So I did what I needed to do.

My friend helped me realize I was getting myself caught in my own “stinking thinking.” I picked a few tools to help my brain shift to thoughts that served me better than my overthinking. And I moved through it. 

Was I still worried that I hurt my friend’s feelings? Maybe.

Did I wish I said something different to my friend? Yes.

So, the third step I took was working to reframe my thinking. How could I rearrange these unhelpful thoughts into something that served me better? Reframing means looking for evidence that my emotions are clouding the reality of the situation and try to see everything in a different way.

So, I did just that. I began to realize that there was nothing I could do to reverse time and go back to that exact moment with my friend. Her text was evidence to show me that I didn’t hurt her feelings and if I did, she forgave me before I was able to forgive myself. After reframing my unhelpful thoughts, gratitude sunk in, and I told myself that I am so thankful for friends like this in my life. I was also able to think….

I am good at self-reflection.

I am good at balancing all that life throws at me.

I am a good person that thinks about others and shows empathy.

With this new reframe of my thoughts, I was able to see that my friend did me a favor. She got me to really reflect on whether I am overthinking, problem sovling, and/or self-reflecting. This whole time, I’ve identified myself as an overthinker but maybe I’m not. I think I was right about myself in the first place. I may spend a lot of time thinking but that time is insightful. I often self-reflect and solve problems! This realization was such a relief to me and I couldn’t have done it without using the emotion regulation tools I know and love.

So if any of this resonates with you, you belong here with me! Let’s blow this Overthinkers Anonymous meeting and identify ourselves as something more! Perhaps we can start the “Thoughtful Humans Club?”

Let’s do it!

Say it with me….

“Hi my name is _____________ and I’m a thoughtful human.”