The Worst!

This picture was taken a few days before the current school year started, on my daughter’s first walk-through of her middle school classrooms.

My daughter’s happy place is in music and dancing. She loves to sing and can often be found twirling in circles while belting out a tune. Sometimes she even gets me to turn our everyday conversation into a musical. I’ll ask her what she wants for breakfast, and she will sing to me that she wants cereal and a smoothie in a voice that sounds like it belongs in “Mary Poppins.” To go along with it, I will often sing my reply back to her. We can go on and on like that for a while! It is so uniquely my daughter and I love every minute of it! We create musicals about what to pack for trips, plan for meals, or even how the day went.

One day, I woke my daughter up for school, and she came downstairs for breakfast, looking a little down. To cheer her up, I prompted her to sing a musical with me. I asked her in a sing-songy voice, “What’s the matter, my dear?”

Unhappily playing along, she sang back to me, “School sucks.”

As a former public school educator and mom, that response kind of felt like a sock in the stomach. All of us want our kids to like school. We want them to learn, be excited about what they are learning, and be happy to go there everyday. 

Plus, school is a non-negotiable part of life. And since it is a necessity, it can be challenging for kids and parents when our children express how much they hate it….especially if they struggle in some area. When they struggle academically or socially, getting through a school day can be a real challenge, and that can be hard for kids to express. 

While my daughter has at times, expressed how hard school can be, and her frustration over the amount of work she is given, I’ve never heard her use that language when it comes to going to school in the morning.

To play along, I kept singing with her. Back and forth, she told me what was hard about school and I offered suggestions to help her. I listened to her singing and also sang my empathy back to her. We ended our duet with a hug and she reluctantly walked out the door to catch the bus.

While I was grateful my daughter didn’t have any difficulty articulating her feelings, my heart sank as I watched her walk down the street. I didn’t want her to go to school feeling that way but her emotions were valid, they mattered, and I needed to let her have them. But man! They weighed on me that morning.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what she sang and expressed to me. Why did she hate school so much? Why do a lot of kids hate it? So I did some thinking and came to this conclusion….which honestly wasn’t rocket science.

School is hard.

Being a former public school teacher, I have firsthand knowledge about education and I think that helps me understand how rough school can be for kids. I also know how much time, energy, and dedication many teachers and other staff put into their work. While there are imperfections I see in the public education system, I am putting it out there that I, in no way, blame anyone working in the business of children for these faults.

As a kid, I loved school (which is probably why I became a teacher!). I was always curious and wanted to learn as much as I could. I liked to play “school” with my friends and sister down in our basement. When my kids were young, I took them places where they could be curious and learn, too. And yet….neither of my kids really like school all that much. Both seem to be counting the days until it is over.

It is tough.

Learning is hard.

So are the social aspects.

And school is all about learning and being social.

I get why my daughter expresses her dislike about school. At times, she feels she spends all day trying to achieve something that feels unachievable. More often, she expresses that she has ZERO interest in learning what she’s required to learn. That’s a tough sell….I get it! She doesn’t have AHDH or any sort of Learning Disability. But if she did, that would be an even harder sell. 

The non-emotionally intelligent mom inside of me wanted to tell my daughter to “suck it up” when she told me through song that she didn’t want to go to school that day. Sometimes, there’s a part of me that has a hard time understanding my daughter’s school experience. I loved school so I was having a hard time grasping why she really doesn’t. But then I remembered….

Most kids spend 13 years in school.

I tried to imagine having a job I hate and having to go there for 13 years of 40-hour weeks, just like my daughter. This “ah-ha” moment made it easier for me to get rid of the “suck it up” attitude and take what my daughter was saying to me that morning a little more seriously.

So I decided to write this blog so I could think about and reflect on the many conversations my daughter and I have had about this topic lately. I’ve been listening and I wanted to ponder what a school day really looks like for her so I could start to understand. I also thought about what I know about teaching in a classroom and have been listening to my friends that are still teaching in public schools. This has certainly helped my understanding grow…..

So here’s what I know, understand, and have reflected on about my daughter’s frustration over school….

Like I said, school is hard. It requires an extremely large amount of energy for kids everyday. Imagine for a second, spending the entire day doing something that is really, really difficult for you…..for me that is usually something tech related. Now imagine doing that the next day and the day after that. Imagine doing that everyday for an entire school year. 

No thank you.

But now imagine how much more energy it takes for a kid that may be struggling with something else….a mental health or social issue, ADHD, or learning disability. Those kiddos need to expend even MORE energy on each activity they come across at school. Imagine the mental and emotional energy kids use up when they need help with something. When class sizes are big, they have to wait for their teacher to finish working with a small group or another student. This can feel frustrating and require a lot of emotional energy from a child to keep them from being dysregulated from waiting or overly anxious about how much time they will have left to complete their work. 

School sometimes requires more energy than students have to give!

Other than energy, school work is hard too! Public schools usually have fast-paced curriculum that focuses on breadth, not depth. Whether or not a student is interested doesn’t matter…..if plant parts are taught in second grade, that’s what they will learn! This can cause a lot of frustration in all students. A lack of interest means that a child is going to have to work extra hard to pay attention and get the work done. 

In addition, mastery expectations may be too high. For example, expecting third graders to know how to multiply after four days of instruction is tough! Most children, but especially those with learning disabilities, usually need more time before information and processes truly click. Teachers face time constraints that require them to move forward, even if students need more work on a particular skill. Most kids could benefit from working at a personalized pace, not the pace determined by the school district or the state. 

Speaking of mastery, don’t even get me started on assements in public schools!! Often, kids are tested on some skills yet the teacher is required to move on no matter what, and then try to fill in the gaps as they go! Students learn new things before they have even mastered what they were previously learning. Sometimes teachers are judged on their own professional evaluations for how well their students achieve on certain district and state tests. Sometimes students can’t pass a class without first passing a proficiency (regardless of their actual grade in the course!). Tests are even required in the “fun” classes like library, art, music, and PE! A lot of weight is given to these assessments and that can create a stressful environment for both teachers and students.

Critical thinking is important in most learning environments. However, a student needs to really understand a concept or needs to sufficiently process background information before they can critically think about a topic. But when they are asked to do so regardless of their understanding, this level of difficulty may be too high for a student to reach, causing frustration.

On the other hand, if too much time is devoted to a topic or lesson, that can be even more boring or difficult, causing even more frustration. Although many teachers try to make their lessons engaging and interesting, some just aren’t. And with most lessons scripted for public school teachers these days, some lessons are just really bad, aren’t taught well, or paced poorly. And let’s face it, some topics aren’t developmentally appropriate for many kids in the class. 

Another issue that can make school challenging for kids is the number of distractions they must manage each day! I know as a teacher, I felt this stress. Classrooms, hallways, cafeterias, gyms, and even before/after school holding zones are usually noisy. 

While teachers work hard to manage behavioral problems, they can be bothersome at best, and at worst , they can be very upsetting. Depending on the school’s climate, there may be a lot of movement and behavior issues in public areas, bathrooms, and unstructured environments. Sometimes even in the classroom! All of this can feel very overwhelming for everyone involved.

Organizational demands is another area in which students can become frustrated. This is especially true in today’s public school climate where little to no time is devoted to objectives that are “unacademic” such as organization. Students have a variety of classes, with a matching notebook, folder, and papers to manage both at school and at home. They also usually have a computer of some kind to manage, remember to plug in, and bring back and forth.

Therefore, frustration starts even before academics begin! 

And this can weigh even heavier on a child when they get older in middle school and beyond. If a teen’s teacher doesn’t require a particular organization system, they may develop one themselves, which may or may not be successful. And, with a lot of options to organize materials and no school-wide organization system in place, children need to follow many different systems from all of their teachers and this can also be a big energy-sucker for kids.

While public schools, especially where my children attend, work hard to create community throughout the building, the students may not be feeling it. Perceiving that they belong, as though they are an important part of a group, makes a big difference in how children feel about school. Some kids may just not jive, no matter how hard the teacher or the school tries. And, more often than not, there are just some kids who like to exclude others. 

This stinks, but it is true.

And I’ve seen it firsthand.

For some kids, a sense of community, or being part of a group, is the main reason they like going to school. And if there are problems between friends or a lot of drama, this can cause anxiety and sadness. It is also tough when a child doesn’t have any classes or lunch with their friends so they feel isolated and alone. Kids want to feel as though they are around people who “get” them and that isn’t always an option, no matter how strong the school community may be. 

So with all of this and more….what do I do? How do I help my daughter adjust her feelings about school?

One thing I know I need to do is keep the dialogue going. I will try my best to be there when she gets home from school, give her a snack, and let her talk if she needs to. Sometimes just listening is enough….I have to remember that I don’t need to solve all the problems. She may just need to decompress.

Second, I need to make sure I communicate what is happening with school. Right now, she still willingly goes to school and isn’t always saying she hates it. But if it ever gets to that point, I will certainly reach out to her teachers and her guidance counselor for advice on how she can be more supported at school. 

Third,  it is important for me to monitor my daughter’s energy demands. When she comes home from school and appears to have nothing left in her tank for extra classes, activities, or even homework, then maybe I give her a pass that night. Or, we prioritize what we need to do and what we can skip out on. 

Lastly, it is important that I help my daughter replenish her “energy bank.” I can help her learn to identify activities, people, and habits that help her come alive. She adores music, drawing, and her quiet time. If she gets those three things everyday, she can bounce back from the difficulties of school easier. It will be important, especially through these tumultuous middle school years, to build that time into her day so she can counterbalance her school experience and build up her self-confidence. And in the meantime, I will keep filling her emotional bucket by freely giving hugs and putting little notes and treats in her school lunch to let her know she is loved. Sometimes it is the small things that can have a big impact!

More than anything, I want my daughter to know that I am taking it seriously that she is saying she hates school. I know it doesn’t mean she will always hate it or that she is going to drop out anytime soon….

It simply means that one morning, at that moment when she sang it to me, she was having negative feelings about school.

And it was important for her to know that I heard her frustration and that I understand.

If we were in a musical right now, I’d sing this out loud to you….

Somehow,

Some way,

She will ride this wave

And together,

We will get to the other side.