You Couldn’t Pay Me….

You couldn’t pay me to go back to my middle school years. I tell this to my daughter all the time and I don’t think I am the only adult that feels this way. Middle School is rough….like Lord of the Flies rough. At times it can feel like a bunch of kids stranded on an island, making up their own societal rules, and resulting in disaster.

My daughter is in the thick of middle school. She enters seventh grade in just a few weeks and we are playing the summer waiting game right now to see who her teachers will be and if her friends will be with her. She often expresses that while she has friends, she doesn’t feel like she fits into any particular group of girls. 

I remember this feeling.

I never had one particular group of friends. Through middle school and high school, I floated around many different groups. I hung out with the kids that played instruments in the marching band. I hung out with kids that played sports. I participated in the theater program and hung out with those kids, too. My friends were on the student council and in the recycling club. I even had friends outside of school from my summer sailing team that I enjoyed so much. And of course, I had a few friends that were with me since elementary school.

I remember seeing kids that were always together. They went to football games and sat in the same section. They went to dances together and hung out on the dance floor in one solid group. They played on sports teams and hung out in after school clubs together. They were “it” by everyone’s standards….they dressed the right way, looked the right way, and was the envy of everyone. While I floated between all these groups, I never actually fit in their circle.

It wasn’t that kids didn’t like me. I think a lot of kids enjoyed my company. I always had someone to go out to the movies with or to come hang out at my house. I had boyfriends and went to pretty much every school function.

But I wasn’t one of the popular kids.

And honestly, while that was OK with me at the time, I know that deep down inside of me somewhere, I always wished I was one of them.

I think that is the ultimate rock ballad of most kids, especially in middle school.….to be popular.

Because if you are popular, you are accepted by everyone. 

Kids notice you. 

They envy you. 

And there is power in that.

I really wish I could go back to my middle school self and rethink this kind of power-sucking way of life. I wish I could ask my younger self, “What does it really mean to be popular?”

If my middle school self couldn’t answer that question, I’d try to help her define popularity. The first thing I’d tell her is that to be popular is a lot of pressure. The popular group has one group of friends and they are put up on a pedestal by everyone. And while that feels great at the moment, middle school kids can very easily take that away from anyone.

I’d say to my younger self, “It doesn’t take much for middle schoolers to decide you’re not ‘it’ anymore. One small disagreement with a friend within that clique and you’re out. And what are you left with?”

I’d tell her that the best part about having several different groups of friends is that there is always someone there to hang out with. I’d say, “If a disagreement erupts or there is drama within one of your groups of friends, it is always possible to float to another group for a bit until the argument blows over. And if one group decides you aren’t ‘in’ anymore, there are other groups to fall back on. In other words, having different friends in different places means there is always someone there for you.”

I’m not sure the same can be said about the popular kids. It may feel that way at times, but it isn’t always the case.

Popularity also means that there are a whole lot of unwritten rules that one must follow. Popular kids have to act a certain way and dress a certain way….if they don’t, they’re not “in.” That can feel like a lot of pressure! 

I’d tell myself that having several different groups of friends means that you can be who you want to be, when you want to be them. There is no one telling you what to do, how to dress, or how to behave. I’d tell myself, “You can be unequivocally you! And there is a lot of freedom in that. Middle school is all about figuring out who you are, what you believe in, and who you want to surround yourself with. It is nice to be able to choose that for yourself.”

I didn’t see any of this when I was in middle school. No one does. But I really wish I had someone to show me. But let’s face it….I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

I know perfectly well that this means that I have a very important job with my middle school-aged daughter. Since I can very strongly understand how she feels, I need to first acknowledge her emotions as they come up. They are valid and I need to help her see that I know and understand that. 

But most importantly, I need to keep encouraging her to “do her thing” and “show the world who she is” without the influence of others. When I was a kid, the popular girls wore Benneton and Esprit. Today, it’s Lululemon. While a lot has changed for kids throughout the years, the need to fit in with what you wear and how you look hasn’t changed all that much. I need to remind my daughter how beautiful she is….inside and out….Lululemon or not!

Through this conversation, I need to let my daughter know what true friendship means. I need to show her that true friends accept you for who you are, what you look like, what you enjoy, and what you wear. I need to model my friendships for her and see that adult humans don’t depend on the superficial stuff as much as they did when they were in middle school….at least we hope. And if I find someone superficial in my circle, I keep my cautious distance….just as she can in middle school.

I need to remind my daughter how friends should make us feel. Friends should lift us up, make us feel good about ourselves, and feel accepted. If that’s not happening, it is time to let those ‘friends’ keep walking. It is OK to be kind, but we don’t need to waste our energy in those circles.

But at the same time, I need to remind my daughter that she and her friends are all in this crazy middle school time together….everyone is feeling self-concious, misunderstood, and hormonal. And everyone will make mistakes. When a friend is disrespectful, it is OK to hear them out rather than write them off…..accept apologies and keep moving forward. No one is perfect, including her.

As parents, if we can get through the middle school years with our children, we can get through anything! When our kids hit this time in their lives, it puts us right back in it even if we wouldn’t take a million dollars to be there. Be patient, be understanding, and do your best. 

Your kids will get through it and so will you! It’s all about love, and grace……keep going!