This year, I set a goal for myself to get back into working in schools again. My heart is in a school building, working with teachers, students, staff, and administrators. I know first hand how challenging working in classrooms can be. The rewards, while they are tremendous, can sometimes feel out of reach. I know as a public school classroom teacher, I often felt overwhelmed and exhausted. But at the same time, I felt excited and inspired. The emotional rollercoaster of one school day is truly incredible. It takes a strong ability for educators to use emotion regulation tools in order to manage it all! And as I know first hand, using these tools isn’t always seamless!

I am excited to say that I’m doing it! I am working in schools, running wellness workshops and collaborating with educators. I share tools that teachers and staff can use to help their own social and emotional wellbeing and share with their students.

So yay! I am taking a moment in this blog to celebrate! I feel proud! I feel excited! I am feeling successful in my goals and intentions for this fairly new path in which I find myself walking!

Lately, I remembered something about myself that I’ve known for a while….

I like routine and structure.

I like lists.

I like to check off items on my lists.

I like schedules.

And when I feel off a routine, off-schedule, or I can’t complete my to-do list….I feel stressed and overwhelmed. So while I feel excited to get back into working in schools, I feel worried about my goals and intentions for this fairly new path in which I find myself walking!

Let me explain….

At the start of the summer in 2022, I left my job as a public school teacher. I’m finally ready to share my story about why I made this choice. I probably should have written this as my first blog post in September, but I don’t think I was ready yet. Now I am, so here goes….

A short time ago, I wrote about my reality television habit. If you read “My Cheesy TV Obsession,” you already know that I can’t get enough of shows that take me out of my head and the thoughts that can keep me up at night.

This week, I would like to focus on my favorite reality television show du jour. It is one that I connect with because of my love of sailing, the ocean, the fresh salt air, and sunshine.

Have you had a chance to check out any of the “Below Deck” reality show series lately? I don’t think I’m the only one! I’ve had many conversations about this show with people I didn’t expect to enjoy it along with me. And it seems like a show that appeals to many different ages of people.

There are so many Below Deck shows! There’s the original Below Deck series. But there’s also a few spinoffs such as Below Deck Down Under, Sailing Yacht, Mediterranean, and Adventure. I haven’t watched all of these yet but give me time…..I will!

It is funny how things come to us when we need them the most….

Last week, I was working in a session with one of my students. We were talking about friendships, and how they can be full of ups and downs. I often read books with my students to promote discussion. Together, we were reading a chapter full of tips about how to manage and navigate working things out when there is a disagreement with a friend. The chapter began by showing us the Chinese word for crisis. This word could describe the way of the world in this moment. I found this interesting because it reminded me that John F. Kennedy once inspired his country by saying,

“The Chinese use two brush strokes for the word crisis. One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, beware of danger - but recognize the opportunity.”

After my session, the chapter I read, and JFK’s quote, it got me thinking. What is a ‘crisis,’ exactly? I think it depends….

I talk to myself all the time. Whether it is in my head or out loud, I am having constant conversation with myself. Sometimes I am creating a to-do list. Other times I am processing something that happened or new information I’m learning. But, on occasion…..ok well maybe more than that….the conversation in my head is riddled with judgement…….

During the week between Christmas and New Year’s, I traditionally spend time reflecting on the year that is wrapping up and the changes I’d like to make for the year ahead.

There was a time in my life when I set New Year’s Resolutions as part of my reflection. Oftentimes I forgot about my resolutions well before spring, never meeting them, and often feeling like a failure. I have read that I am not alone in this. Research suggests that only 9% of Americans that make New Year’s Resolutions actually complete them. Research also says that 23% of people quit their resolutions by the end of the first week and 43% quit by the end of January. These statistics got me thinking….why are resolutions so hard to stick to? Here’s what I’ve concluded……

This week marked the official first day of winter. I wish I could get excited about that but to be honest, the end of a warm summer and vibrant fall season is a downer for me. When the leaves fall off the trees, the holiday season ends, and everything starts to look gray, the days can get tough. I find it hard to be motivated and I just feel blah.

I know I am getting the winter blues, because emotions that don’t normally come up in the sunny seasons bubble to the surface. I begin to resent the chores around cleaning my house, like laundry and dishes. The kids and their friends all come inside, rather than running around the yard. They can get loud and it feels annoying. And, I get tired easily. I literally finish work and as soon as the sun sets, I am in my pjs. With the short days, I begin to hibernate, unmotivated to hang with friends or even go out with my husband in the evenings! It’s not that I hate my house or my children. It’s also not that I dont’ want to see my friends or spend time with my loved ones. It’s just winter. And winter is not my season. Can anyone out there relate to this?

I am addicted.

I can’t get enough cheesy television.

And this isn’t a new obsession.

In high school, I couldn’t get enough of the start of reality television mania, when I watched “The Real World.” I still have dreams of staying in one of the houses that they used throughout the 24 seasons that the show was filmed!

Back in college, I arranged my class schedule around “Days of Our Lives.” I even took early classes so I could be back to my dorm in time to grab lunch and watch it in the common room before I went off to sailing practice. My friends and I would also arrange nights together with wine and snacks to watch “Beverly Hills 90210” and eventually “Melrose Place.” This tradition lasted quite a while!

After college, I was also known to watch countless episodes of reality television such as “Survivor,” “Queer Eye,” and “Laguna Beach.” Don’t even get me started on my obsession over “The Bachelor.” When I moved to California for a short stint, I lived down the street from Matthew Fox. I was heavily focused on catching a glimpse of one of my favorite actors from “Party of Five.”

I have wasted countless hours watching the cheesiest thing on television throughout my years. I just love it!!

For the last six months or so, I’ve been really trying hard to focus on my health. I have started to workout daily and have included weight lifting in my routine. I have started to track what I eat everyday, monitoring my calories consumed and increasing my protein and fiber intake. But since late August or so, I’ve noticed an increase in my weight and I don’t like it. So I decided to take a close look at the things that I do everyday and ask myself why I do these things….

At the moment, I am feeling pretty darn chagrined and embarrassed. I can’t believe I could be so foolish! I read about these things all the time….people that get suckered into some sort of scam. When I read the stories, I often think to myself, “Really? Why did you go and give all your personal information to someone over the phone??” There is so much out there that tells you NOT to do that….why do people still do it? I often feel for the elderly because they are the ones that are targeted most often. But nope….this time it was me.

There was a brief period of time when my family packed up a few things, put them on a container ship, boarded a plane, and went to live in New Zealand. This was probably one of the best experiences we’ve ever had as a family. We lived there through Covid, where the country was pretty much living freely, and the rest of the world lived behind masks and plexiglass shields. My kids freely went to school, we rented a house, and my husband worked as a designer and engineer for a sailing team.

While we were there, I absolutely fell in love with the country of New Zealand. I honestly can’t say enough good things about it. One thing that struck me from the moment I stepped on their soil was the different terms in the language that they use. I particularly enjoyed the term partner…

We hear it all the time from self-care websites, articles, and social media….

Do what you love. Love what you do.

Do what makes you happy.

Whatever you decide to do, be sure it brings you joy.

Enjoy the present rather than being anxious about what the future holds.

Being happy never goes out of style.

Life is too short for doing anything other than what brings you pleasure.

Live life as if you’ll die today.

This week, I discovered that this is the worst advice anyone could ever give you. Let me explain….

I have a sister that is very specific about what I call her. She doesn’t like to be called my “older sister.” She also doesn’t like the term “big sister.” So instead, I choose to call her my “best sister” and she seems ok with that. It doesn’t matter that my best sister also happens to be my only sister. Kim is truly the best sister I could have ever asked for.

When my best sister turned 50, my mom and I thought it would be fun to take a trip, just the three of us. We have done plenty of outings and overnights together but we haven’t really gone away for an extended time with just us.

My mom and I decided to plan a fun trip to Bermuda last May….

I swear I’m not a crazy cat lady. Just hear me out…..

I’m not used to having a cat as a pet. I grew up with a dog and even adopted my own pup my junior year of college. When I married my husband, our dogs became automatic siblings. Before we had two kids, we had two crazy dogs together. The similarities between pet-parenting and child rearing can be insanely similar, but I’ll save those stories for another day. When our dogs passed away, I always thought we’d get another one sometime in the future.

But then Ella, our 11-year-old daughter, was born. From the moment she came into this world, she was afraid of dogs. As an infant, we would take her for a walk in her stroller and if a dog came near, she would scream bloody murder. When she got older, I watched her shake and sweat when a dog headed Ella’s way. The poor thing was scared out of her mind and I knew there was no way we could bring a dog into our house.

The summer before Ella entered Kindergarten, we decided to get a cat. The kids and I did some research and went to visit a few different kittens before we met our future feline family member. Enter Tiller…an orange tabby cat with the most mellow personality I have ever had in a pet.

Exercise is a tool for me that I use daily. As many of you know, I like to run. My knees don’t like it, but it is a tool to help me with a number of things in life. First off, it helps me with connection. I have two friends that I run with regularly. At 5:15am, we decorate ourselves like Christmas trees, with lights and reflectors, and meet out on the street to hit the pavement. The fresh (and sometimes downright cold) air in my lungs, combined with the movement, start my day off right. Not only is running a tool to connect me with friends, but it is a stress relief. On days that I meet my friends for a run, my head is clear and I feel like I can take on anything that comes my way. Running brings me patience, which as a teacher and mom, I desperately need!

My meditation teacher is always saying and reminding me that,

“There is only one thing, and we are all it.”

But what does that mean exactly?

I am not a tree.

I am not the animal that lives in a tree.

I am not anything but me.

In fact, science tells me that I am a unique combination of cells and DNA that no one else can replicate. How can I be what everyone else is?

This week, I think I realized what my meditation teacher is saying to me. WARNING: I go a little deep here….

I don’t know about you, but I keep a daily list of tasks, commitments, and intentions - things I want to get done or accomplish. The list is usually fairly long so I go a step further. I review my list and circle the most important things to-do for the day. There is nothing I love more than crossing things off my list when I complete them. It gives me great satisfaction to not only see the circled items crossed off, but to see my “bonus” things crossed off at the end of the day, as well! It is a GREAT day and I feel very accomplished when that happens.

But sometimes my to-do list dictates more about my day than I would like. At times, it can feel like it has its own voice, beckoning me to work harder, work faster, and get things done. Other times, it makes me feel defeated because something got in the way of being able to do something and feeling that satisfaction from crossing it off the list. The day can go from bad to worse when that happens.

That was me early last week…

On October 5th, I turned 46.

A lot of people in their forties and beyond that I talk to don’t want to celebrate their birthdays. Me? Of course I want to celebrate!

In all honesty, I’ll celebrate anything. I’ll celebrate getting out the door on time on a Monday morning. I’ll celebrate the C that one of my kids worked their tails off to earn in their hardest class. I’ll most certainly celebrate any occasion with anyone and I’ll always find a good reason.

I think most people my age don’t want to celebrate getting older. It is funny how that shifts from when we were kids. We couldn’t wait to get older and hit the milestones….13, sweet 16, 18, 21!

Do you remember what age you stopped counting?

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Maybe “down” isn’t the right word to describe how I’m feeling. I have a mixture of different emotions going on right now.

Maybe I’m a little worried.

I might be a tiny bit sad.

I could be slightly overwhelmed.

…or deflated, uneasy, and spent.

Wow…that’s a lot of unpleasant emotions happening all at once! But that’s not all that I’m feeling. I have a few pleasant emotions swirling around, too.

I’m definitely content.

I might be a little proud.

I am fully feeling grateful.

….or focused, secure, and satisfied.

You’re probably wondering how I can feel all that at the same time! Well…I believe it is called “the human experience.” And in order to fully feel and be present in our lives, we have to acknowledge and move through it all.

We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.

-Brené Brown

About three years ago, I began a meditation practice. I learned to meditate twice a day, on my own (without guidance) for 20 minutes at each sitting. This practice has opened up a world that I didn’t realize existed. But more excitingly, it has connected me to a new group of friends.

For a few years now, every morning and every afternoon, when I am done meditating, I text a group of women with a short message to confirm I completed a sitting. These women are named Maggie, Catherine, Allison, and Lisa. Our text chain is called “Supermeditators,” which I absolutely adore!

We met in New York City at Emily Fletcher’s “Ziva Live” course. I had no idea how much this short weekend would impact my life. Since we left NYC, the five of us have become “accoutability partners” for one another to help each other stick to our meditation practice. But there is more to our relationship than that. We also check in on each other regularly. It is through these check-ins that I receive the wisdom and ideas of these four amazing and smart women.

Their latest wisdom is the inspiration behind writing this particular blog entry.